Like most people in New York I rely on cabs to transport me home after a long night out or take me to the “end of the earth” extreme east and west sides of the city where subways don’t go. Here are my questions for the city’s fascinating drivers who get us where we need to be.

1. Talk to me about your qualifications. Do you actually have a driver’s license like mine or a special “cab driver’s license” that qualifies you to NASCAR-level speed and roll tight corners?

2. What vehicle did you drive in your home country? A truck? A steam shovel? A cart pulled by oxen? How did this prepare you for life as a nyc cabbie?

3. Who are you racing? I’ve had my face thrown up against the cab’s plastic dividers as we screech to a halt one too many times not to be curious. Is this how you guys entertain yourself during a long day’s work or is there an actual underground taxi-driver race going on with secret rules and a jackpot? Can I bet on our cab? What’s the grand prize?

4. On Saturday night when there are five sets of taxi-hopefuls crowding the corner of Broadway and 14th, how do you decide which ones to pull over to?

5. Who takes the pictures of you guys that are posted on the backseat? Is this actually you or does the city just have three generic photos of men in turbans that they’ve rotated throughout every taxi in the city?

6. How do you pronounce your name? Which series of unspeakable consonants is your first name? Which are your last? What do your friends call you?

7. Do you derive pleasure by whizzing past taxi-hopefuls with your availability light on when you’re really off-duty? This is torturous to us who are doing jumping jacks trying to get your attention.

8. Why do you think whenever I empty my purse in you cab to locate my favorite Mac lipstick that I am “leaving trash in your cab?” These are my expensive possessions and I always stuff them back in my purse.

9. PS do people really come with pursefulls of garbage which they dispose of in your taxi? That’s horrific. You think they’d just use one of the many public trash receptacles located throughout the city.

10. Do you have nightmares about the West Village? I do, and I just have to walk there. Is there some sort of West Village cabbie support group? Could I come?

11. How do you manage to be on your cell phones literally every moment that you’re driving? Who loves you so much? Or do you all just have second jobs as telemarketers in your own countries? (Like when I call Compaq for tech support and they transfer me to India, is that call really bounced back to you?) Teach me your multitasking skills.

12. What’s with the new interactive new york city maps/tv screens that have appeared in the back of your cabs for patrons to play with? Does this double as a navigation system that you actually use? Does the city of new york really feel they have to placate new yorkers with an interactive placemat so we don’t get bored while transported from point A to point B?

13. What’s you favorite shift? Daytime: Intolerable traffic, lots of nice business people giving you tips, getting receipts, charging it to their companies. Nighttime: Minimal traffic, drunken people giving you big tips since they’re trying to impress their dates/make up for the throwing up on your car matt. Wait. This time I answered my own question…