#1

I was lucky enough to have dinner at Morimoto two nights ago, which is a highly regarded Iron Chef restaurant in Chelsea. It’s also one of those obscenely expensive be-seen places where the food is supposed to be worth every penny and the ambiance is supposed to blow your overburdened Manhattan mind. I’m often cautious about such establishments. To me, the food at Pastis tastes like every other French bistro in the city and Spice Market’s over-flavored, microscopic portions would make me want to puke if they’d ever let me ingest enough fingernail-size dumplings to feel full without having to file for chapter eleven. Overall, I was pleased with Morimoto. The soups were large enough for a family of four, the black cod was out of this world, and the lobster was delicious even though the chef was heavy handed with the paprika. My soft shell crab sushi did not disappoint, nor did the booze selection. But were any of these things the highlight of the evening? No. The only reason I’d truly return to Morimoto is…

To use the bathroom.

That’s right. Morimoto is the first of many New York restaurants who are taking their establishment’s rest room experience as seriously as the dining one. Morimoto is equipped with “luxury toilets,” and no, I’m not making this up. First off, a floral hologram encompasses you in the stall so you feel like you’re peeing in a never ending rose briar. I found this quite sickening. Yet I instantly felt revived when I sat down and realized the toiled seat was not only comfortable, but heated. HEATED. Then I noticed a panel of buttons on the wall next to me. See, the toilet not only anticipates your every need with motion sensors, it also doubles as a bidet. I’m a big fan of bidets and have missed them since abandoning residence in Europe. Besides what bidets are supposed to be used for (which I think is great), they’re also indispensable when cleaning your feet, Chihuahua or hand-wash laundry. These luxury toilets have a built in personal hygiene system with a remote control bidet in the form of a retractable pipe inside the toilet. I pressed one of the many shiny, silver buttons and the toilet spayed warm water on my ass followed by and a gust of warm wind to dry the area. Note: I could have sprayed my ass in rotating, rhythmic, or pulsating movements if I hadn’t been so overwhelmed by the fact that this toilet had more buttons than my TV remote control and was probably smarter than me. For those of you fascinated, perplexed and simultaneously disturbed with this latest New York ridiculousness as I am, I suggest pasting the below URL into your browser to learn about the new “throne toilets” quite popular with billionaires.

http://jscms.jrn.columbia.edu/cns/2007-04-24/gould-ritzytoilets

Happy automatic flushing!

#2

In other local news, I made a more useful discovery. Duane Reade sells beer! If I ever meet the mastermind who first decided to sell hair products, food, pharmaceutical goods, greeting cards, booze, and tampons all in one place I’ll probably break down in tears. It’s just so genius it hurts. See, in Italy there’s the Farmacia which is your pharmacy, the bread store which just sells bread, the Cartoleria which just sells paper and greeting cards, and tiny boutiques for hair and make-up products. While this is all very cute, it’s important to keep in mind that each of these stores are only open for about five hours a day – two hours in the morning (while you’re at work) and two hours in the afternoon (while you’re at work). So unless you have magical helper elves assisting you on daily errands, the chances of making it to even one of these shops on a weekday is slim to none. Oh, and they’re closed Sunday – so stock up on milk. In fact, a backup career plan of mine is to bicycle around Milan with a mini fridge of milk in toe on Sunday mornings selling it for ten Euro a pop. People will pay. Why no one’s thought of keeping their store open for this profit making purpose on Sunday remains a mystery to me.

The point is that it’s only when you come back to the US after years in such a barely functional country that you can truly appreciate that magnificence that is Duane Reade (or CVS for non-New Yorkers). Not only do they have it all, many of them are open 24-7! And I haven’t even got started on the Duane Reade card yet!

For those of you who don’t have a Duane Reade card, get one stat and start reaping the glorious rewards. Every 100 points you spend you get a five dollar gift certificate to use on whatever you want. That’s two cases of Pepperidge farm cookies – FREE! Or five bucks off your next six pack of Corona. Fabulous! Now when I have to pick up booze to bring to someone’s lame house party as a gesture of goodwill, I no longer have to stop at those rip-off Asian delis sprinkled around the city where a box of Cheerios is six dollars. Instead I can load up on liquor at a 24 hour Duane Reade reaping heavenly points on the way. Drinking can be justified as cost effective. This could get dangerous…

More about Italy, specifically a tribute to Dr. X , is coming up…