Ode to Clubs with Food

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Punta programming for some brief Manhattan club gossip that I utterly missed. The Beijing nightclub Suzie Wong, mentioned in passing in my post Best Clubs in Every City in the World, is opening in Chelsea in the failed eatery / club experiment that was Pre:Post. Perhaps this is old news for some (I believe Wong is already open). Either I’m clueless, Wong has remarkably bad PR people, or nobody cares.

On a different note, given that it’s a pseudo holiday and holidays make people all warm and fuzzy inside, I’d like to have a sentimental moment with the club referred to over the summer as the Inferno, which you’ve all figured by now out is Upstairs in SoHo above Café Bari. In the midst of shitty nights out, long lines, abusive door men, and unacceptable music, Upstairs, despite it’s highly unoriginal name, has kind of been my knight in shining armor. No, not because I like the baby models, the non-existent décor or the rampant drug use, which has since the summer, has been dramatically reduced. Upstairs is a lifesaver because it manages to be what very few supposedly ‘cool’ clubs are – F U N.

Sometimes, because New York’s a crazy jungle of the most ambitious people in the world who like to involve competition into every aspect of their lives, people forget to have fun. It becomes all about the bottles, all about the door, or all about the girls. And yes, there is rampant bottle service at Upstairs, but somehow, it manages to be a little subtler than it is anywhere else. Why? Because people are actually dancing and having a good time, running between tables of friends, and not embarrassed to get a little whacky. It’s not pitch black, so you can actually SEE people. There’s no snobby décor, so you actually can chill out. There are no cracked out cocktail waitresses teetering around in heels. The place just feels like someone’s ratty living room that you have the privilege of shaking your booty in all night long. It’s comfortable. And there are no doormen screaming for you to “clear the sidewalk” or coat check girls abducting your jacket behind your back. And, the best part:

At around 3:30 A.M. Upstairs serves snacks. Mini hamburgers, pizzas, and the best freakin’ French fries with sauces that put McDonalds to shame. These snacks unquestionably save my life. Not only do they start soaking up the excess alcohol in my stomach making me feel more like a human being and less like a swirling ballerina in a perverse city version of the Nutcracker, but they’re delicious and Tapas-size so you never end up overeating. Cipriani’s Upstairs occasionally busts out small appetizer plates of pasta that waitresses pass around. These 2 A.M. snacks are similarly responsible for sobering me up and getting me back on track with my life – i.e. into a taxi and home.

So this entry is my love ode in incorrect poetic structure to clubs with food. Because I don’t feel I ever fully appreciated this phenomena. And now that we’re out of the Hellish holiday season where over-sweetened ‘thank you’ moments are obligatory, I feel I can truly pick up my pen and give thanks.

Coming up…Punta Day 3…

Be My Guest

So the idea of a guest is not such a novel one. In fact it’s one of the most dreaded for me, especially at this time of year. To me, guest implies the obligation of hosting; and the idea of hosting implies the responsibility of entertaining, caring for, and generally being concerned about the well being of another person for a period of time that probably exceeds my tolerance (when I’m not getting anything out of it, it’s about 5 minutes). The way I see it, if I wanted children, I would have them. I don’t.

Frequently, guests are the culprits of much discomfort, awkward interactions, and an uncomfortable sense of obligation to perform on behalf of both the host and the guest. On the other hand, there are some guests that are generally welcome in my world. More favorably thought of guests sometimes include guest speakers, guest appearances on my favorite shows, and so following the vein of entertainment, today, I give you, myself, your guest-blogger. I am Bartok.

While Miss Model Behavior is out of the country gallivanting, completely and blissfully cut off from technology and reality, as most sane people know it, here I am, babysitting her blog. No, I do not share MB’s literary aspirations, or background in writing. My friendship with Miss MB began during high school while we were studying abroad in Italy. Our friendship began in the forum of debauchery that only 16 year old girls let loose on a small town in Italy, are capable of. We began with a minimal comprehension of the language being spoken around us and absolutely no comprehension of how a country that had, from our perspective, a grand total of 0 work ethic still “functions” and continues to be a legit global contributor.

Years later, we still wonder the very same things. We have, however, come to appreciate many Italian traditions and mannerisms. The Italian male maintains an elevated place in our hearts, and the month of August is, as the Italians ordained, a month of rest with no exceptions. I, personally, am particularly fond of the mandatory evacuation of all cities aspect of this tradition. It implies that all offices must be evacuated as well starting August 1, and the mandatory pilgrimage to a quality seaside location, uniformly known as mare for the entire month! It’s safe to say that our antics have only been shifted from suburban Italian discotecas to sites of mischief like Cipriani’s and the Inferno on this side of the Atlantic.

And, speaking of seaside pilgrimages, it has come to my attention that Miss Model Behavior is making the most of hers. The last time I spoke, she was calling from a payphone, having held true to her word to leave behind her beloved iphone and baby mac laptop, and has ventured into yet another country in which she knows nothing of the language, little about the geographic characteristics, and a minimal amount about its customs. It sounds like a recipe for success!

I had a momentary flashback when I saw the unfamiliar area code come up on my phone screen to countless other phone calls that seasoned our international travels. So many calls that filled the gap between departure and the switching on of the international cell, and served to either calm the pre-departure anxiety, and get ourselves excited for the adventures to come. She repeatedly tried, with gestures that I am sure are generally used only in drunken games of charades, to fend off assaulting non-english speaking travelers who claimed that she was monopolizing the only working payphone. I agreed that it seemed ridiculous that she had found the holy grail of the only working payphone in the entire airport. Not even we are that lucky.

Having developed and perfected the art of persuasion and emotional manipulation in countless relationships, I was finally able to employ those arts for good, and convinced Miss MB that she was embarking not on a safari adventure doomed to end in turmoil and disaster, but that this trip would be one of those life changing positive experiences that would be forever remembered in the history of great vacations. You saw the events list, how could it not be?!

So while my inbox is still flooded with potential party options from Miss Model Behavior, I am reassured that my childhood dreams of European country parties that involve multi-day trips to ostentatious villas where never ending games, entertainment, and debauchery ensue may still exist. It sounds like Never Never Land to me, well, without the pirates or Michael Jackson, and where the lost boys are actually millionaires, attractive, intelligent, have sexy Latin accents, and were born to appreciate, entertain, and spoil girls like us.

Oh, the possibilities!

Kiss & Fly Prep

Kiss & Fly Grand Opening Week
Wednesday December 12 2007 
10 PM

Kiss & Fly 
409 West 13th Street

New York, NY 10014

Please join us for the opening of our latest venue from Wednesday December 12th to Saturday December 15th 2007.

You will discover a great space that we have designed to be your new home away from home. The next four nights will be filled with surprise performances along with some of the world's most reknown DJ's.

We are counting on your presence to make this opening week very special.

I heard about it the sticky bowels of Pink Elephant, now this hotspot hopeful is actually here.

I, for one, am especially hopeful. I need something to warm up my winter in a non clubbing-in-a-mosh-pit way. I’m hoping for something genuinely fun…dare I say classy? Most likely I’m setting myself up for disappointment, but optimism's a good quality, right? Or is that only outside of 212? Regardless, I need to think positive: I’m Pink-ed out and Box-ed out. Socialista, Goldbar and Beatrice are so pretentious that even if you’re fortunate enough to get your group in, you can check any hope of happiness at the door. Cipriani’s Upstairs and its nearby neighbor and namesake Upstairs (good luck not confusing the two, they’re both in SoHo) still provide space where one feels they can actually let loose, yet enjoyment only ensues if you inebriate yourself into a state of semi-consciousness.

Bring on something, anything, else.

As far as DJ line-ups Kiss and Fly's got Brian Ling. Marco Peruzzi, Stan Courtois from Monaco, Philippe Paris from Corsica and Olivier Berger from South Beach. For all the “who’s opening it” and club "investor" info I refer you over to Guest of a Guest.

To my knowledge, Kiss and Fly hasn’t yet been reviewed or written about in New York Magazine. So that’s a good start. And despite being in the failed club Aer’s carcass in Meat Packing, the place might have a shot.

Updates after my attendance...

Christmas Wishes and Non-Existent Karaoke

I call Christmas Stress-mus. And my Holiday wish it that would cause us angst every other year instead of every eleven months.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If Christmas came every other year it might help the season actually feel ‘authentic’ and ‘special.’ The idea of gift shopping might evoke emotions of love and charity instead of nauseating visions of shoppers sword fighting each other at Macy’s and even worse –
trying to find parking at the mall. I realize some people like the inevitable strain, travel, traffic, fake cheer, financial exploitation and family time that comes with Christmas, but I’d even vote for celebrating it every four years. Like the Olympics! Then I’d get really excited about it!

It’s my belief the hullabaloo that comes with the holidays is just too much for us frail human beings to handle every single year. I think medical authorities would back me up on this. Don’t we deserve a break? If Christmas came less often, heart attacks and other stress related illnesses might go down over twenty percent! Who needs Christmas every year?

My life’s frankly quite fulfilling without spending hours locked in my family’s basement like an Indonesian child laborer wrapping a stack of presents higher than the fire’s mantelpiece. My life’s fulfilling without pretending to enjoy decorating a perfectly good fur tree that belongs in a forest with chirping birds and sun. Ultimately, it’s the shopping and commercialization of Christmas that gets to me – not any of the Holiday’s underlying values. And then we get to the worst part of all…Pink Elephant’s attempt at December decoration:




Is this really necessary?

Even a miserly, non-charitable establishment like Pink Elephant had to get on the Holiday bandwagon?

Is there no sanctuary?

Karaoke

On Wednesday, I hustled myself into the cold, intent on reporting what was to be the SoHo club’s Upstairs’ first Karaoke night. Sound like a carbon copy of Giuseppe’s ingenious idea to turn Sunday nights into a festival of alcoholism and embarrassment at Cipriani’s Upstairs?

It is.

Those you who’ve watched my video footage / soundtrack of Cipriani’s on karaoke night can understand why I kept my iPod buds handy while climbing the staircase to Upstairs – karaoke in New York clubs is like audible shit. If you’re eardrums aren’t completely desensitized from drunkenness hearing it may make you shriek. Yet as I entered the club, I saw a DJ, heard normal music, and saw no one slobbering over a mike. The karaoke screen hung at the very far end of the bar, stark white and barely visible.

Apparently, Upstairs had experienced “technical difficulties.” Karaoke was nixed and it was a night like any other. I let out an audible gasp of relief.

Sure I’d been lured out of my house on a Wednesday night under false pretenses. But Cipriani’s is bad enough. The last thing this city needs if for the clubbing karaoke idea to spread like Christmas decorations.

Oh! And are you short on Christmas gift ideas? How about getting your favorite douche or douchette this delightful Pink Elephant snow cap?

The Best Clubs in Every City in the World

Yes, the title says it all. I figured since many of us may be traveling for the upcoming winter holidays, it was time to unveil my dirty secret project: A comprehensive list of all the best nightclubs in every city in the world, expertly compiled by the jetsetters who frequent them.

Some things to keep in mind:

1. The definition of ‘best.’ For the purposes of this list ‘best clubs’ are defined (but not limited to) clubs that
a. Radiate with obnoxious exclusivity
b. Are most likely challenging to get into without ‘connections’ (* indicates members only clubs)
c. Are non-sensically expensive
d. Are home to celebrity sightings and
e. Host famous DJs

So if you’re looking for a low-key, hassle free bar to enjoy a beer near cost price, this list is not for you.

2. What’s ‘hot’ changes in every city every month (or every week, in the case of New York). This guide, while ‘in’ right now, will eventually be outdated. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt.

WARNING: You might have ridiculous amounts of fun. You might get ripped off. Remember, clubbing is addictive.

So here we go…buckle up and put your party shoes on:

Aix-en-Provence
- Le Mistral

Amsterdam
- Jimmy Woo
- Club 11
- Rain
- Zebra Lounge
- Mansion

Antibes
- Pulp
- Les Pecheurs

Antwerp
- Noxx
- Nanno
- Industria
- Fever
- Carré
- Café d'Anvers
- Red and Blue

Athens
- Villa Mercedes
- Rock n' Roll (winter)
- Island (summer)

Bangkok
- The Bed Supper Club
- The Tunnel
- Spasso

Barcelona
- La Terrasa
- Sutton
- Danzatoria
- Catwalk
- Duvet
- Buddha Bar
- Razzmatazz
- Shoko
- Carpe Diem Lounge (CDLC)

Basel
- Bar Rouge

Beijing
- Suzie Wong
- Bed Bar
- Lan Club

Beirut
- Sky Bar
- Crystal
- White
- Element
- BO18

Belgrade
- Magacin

Berlin
- Felix
- Spindler & Klatt

Bilbao
- Image
- Fever

Bodrum
- Ship Ahoi
- Bianca
- Halikarnas

Bogota (Columbia)
- Andres Carne de Res
- Cha Cha

Bologna (Italy)
- Matis
- Kasamatta
- NU Lounge
- Capannina

Bombay
- China House
- Prive
- Posion

Boston
- Rumor-Venue
- 28 Degrees

Brussels
- Le you
- Jeux d'Hiver
- La Patinoire
- Parc Savoy
- Espace 53
- Gallery Louise

Buenos Aires
- Espereanto
- Pacha
- CroBar
- Asia de Cuba
- Creamfields
- Operabay


Bucharest (Romania)
- Embryo
- Fratelli
- Krystal

Budapest
- Club 7
- Negro,
- Oscar´s
- Piaf
- Bed
- Dokk Club
- Studio
- Moulin Rouge
- Romkert
- Cafe del Rio
- Sensation

Cannes
- Le palais
- Le Baoli

Cape Town
- Chrome

Caracas
- Loft

Casablanca
- G Sound

Cairo
- Club 35
- Buddha Bar

Chicago
- Manor

Cologne
- Ivory

Copenhagen
- NASA
- No8
- Slik

Corsica
- Via Notte

Cuzco (Peru)
- Fallen Angels
- Mama Africa

Delhi
- MoS

Damascus (Syria)
- Z Bar
- Marmar

Dubai
- Club 400
- Trilogy
- Shocho
- Chi at The Loudge
- Peppermint

Düsseldorf
- POSH (at Breidenbacher Hof)
- Sams
- 3001
- Nero

Florence
- Central Park

Fortaleza
- Pirata

Frankfurt
- King Kamehameha
- Cocoon

Geneva
- la SIP
- Le Java
- Platinum
- B Club
- Bypass

Gstaad
- GreenGo
- Chloesterli

Hamburg
- Golden Cut

Hammamet
- Calypso
- Oasis

Hamptons
- Pink Elephant

Hasselt
- Versuz

Heidelberg
- Print Media Lounge
- Deep
- Tangente

Hong Kong
- Volar
- Dragon I
- Drop

Ibiza
- Pacha
- SPACE
- Amnesia

Ilha Bela (Brazil)
- DPNY

Istanbul
- Ulus29
- Anjelique
- Reina
- Supper Club
- Blackk
- Wanna

Kitzbühl
- Take Five

Lanzarote
- Room

La Paz (Bolivia)
- La Gitana
- El Mongo's

Las Vegas
- Tryst
- Tao
- Pure

Lausanne
- Red Club
- Zapoff
- D!
- Le Mad

Lisbon
- Lux
- Kapital
- Jezebel
- Garage
- Tamariz
- BBC

London
- Maddox
- Movida
- Crystal
- Tramp*
- Annabels*
- Bougie
- Cuckoo
- Amika
- Boujis

Los Angeles
- Les Duex
- Area
- Winstons
- Opera
- Hyde
- Teddy’s
- Giant

Luxembourg
- VIP Room
- Le Marx

Lyon
- Aperiklub
- aKGB
- Baroc
- First
- VIP Room

Madrid
- Pacha Cielo
- Archy’s
- Gabanna
- Liberata
- Fabrik
- Buddha del Mar
- Fortuny
- El Perro de la Parte de Atras del Coche

Mallorca
- Kinka

Marbella
- Olivia Valere
- Billionaire
- Dreamers
- Nikki Beach

Marrakesh
- El Amounia
- Plage Rouge
- Pacha
- Nikki Beach

Miami
- Mynt
- Mokai
- Suite
- Fifth
- Mansion
- Karu Y

Milan
- Armani Privè
- Just Cavalli
- Killer
- Plastic
- Gold
- Nephenta

Milano Marittima
- Pineta

Monte Carlo
- JimmyZ
- Caremont

Montreal
- Time Supper Club

Moscow
- Diagilev

Munich
- Baby
- 8 Season´s
- Nigthclub of Bayerischer Hof
- Erste Liga

Mykonos
- El Pecado
- Space
- Cavo Paradise

Naples
- La Mela

New York
- Cain (party coverage)
- Le Seuk
- Gold Bar (my review)
- Pink Elephant (stories 1, 2, 3)
- The Box (my review)
- Cipriani (my review...video footage)

Oslo
-Cosmo
-Barbeint
-Golden room

Paris
- Show Case
- Neo
- Le Sens
- Le Neo
- Kong
- Palais M
- Maison Blanche
- Le Baron
- Mix
- Le Mathis
- Le Cabaret
- Le Queen
- Chez Regines

Porto Cervo (Sardinia)
- Billionaire
- Sotto Vento

Prague
- Radost Fx
- Mecca Club
- Duplex

Punta Del Este
- Tequila

Rabat (Morocco)
- Tapis Rouge

Riccione (Italy)
- Byblos

Rimini
- Paradiso

Rino
- NoMI Lounge

Rio de Janeiro
- Baronetti
- Nuuth Lounge
- 00 (zero, zero)
- Melt
-Londra

Rome
- La Maison
- Art Café
- R'home
- Ristrò
- La Suite
- La Maison
- La Cabala
- Espazio 900

Rotterdam
- Offcorso
- Vie
- Cinema

Sao Paulo
- Cafe de La Musique
- Lotus
- Pacha
- Disco Club
- Museum
- Royal
- Alucci Alucci
- Di Bistro Lounge
- Love Story

Singapore
- Attica
- Velvet

Shanghai
- Barbarossa
- Attica
- Bar Rouge
- M on the Bund
- 3 on the Bund
- Mao
- Glamour

St Moritz
- Dracula
- King's
- Privé

Stockholm
- Cafe Opera
- V
- White Room
- Spy Bar
- Sturecompagniet
- F12
- Solidarietet

St. Tropez
- Les Caves de Roi
- Le VIP

Taipei
- Carnegie’s

Tallin
- Bonbon

Toronto
- The Drake Hotel
- The Social

Vicenza
- Victory

Vienna
- Die Passage
- Red Room
- Take Five
- Phoenix Supper Club

Warsaw
- Foksal 19
- Cinnamon
- Opera
- Utopia

Washington, DC
- 18th Street Lounge
- Lima
- K Street Lounge

Zurich
- Q Club
- Supermarket
- Kaufleuten Diagonal
- Carlton Bar
- St. Germain
- Indochine

Disagree? Don't see your city up there? Feel free to add your two cents and add on!

Kill Me Karaoke Videos

Karaoke rarely sounds good, but it’s usually not this bad.

You guessed it. This time around at Cipriani’s Upstairs’ weekly Sunday night shit-faced singing shebang I had the genius to videotape what was going on. I wanted visual and auditory proof of the ridiculousness because I don’t feel anyone who reads this blog can fully understand what an embarrassment this entire establishment is to the human condition.

For juicy background details on Sunday’s at Cipriani’s Upstairs check out my previous article.

The brief 411: models, modophiles, creepy Italian men, Giuseppe, gold diggers and extremely drunk partiers gather together on Sunday nights in this private club to enjoy spending a few thousand on tables while singing along to karaoke.

DON’T EVEN WALK UP THE NARROW STAIRS TO CIP’S IF YOU’RE GOING TO STUMBLE.

You must attend this party entirely inebriated. Not doing so will result in death, as I’m pretty sure any sober person would hang themselves with a tablecloth from the rafters mere moments after having to endure this adult sing along.

Bartok and I prepared appropriately. We consumed an entire water bottle full of Bacardi and Diet Coke on the walk from my place to West Broadway. Then we jumped around like apes at Diva as the lounge was celebrating its Four Year Anniversary with a Euro dance party starting at 8 P.M. The Diva party was noteworthy, and I’d like to take the time to write about the fabulous Enrique look alike DJ, the relaxed vibe, and the delicious aromatic seafood at another date. For now, just know that Diva served at the perfect vodka heavy pre-gaming event to our eventual arrival at Cipriani’s across the street at 12:30 A.M.

So here you go. It’s dark, my camerawork sucks, the visuals are bad. What’s more noteworthy is the singing – or lack there of. What’s amazing is that when you’re standing on top of a table at this party, you actually feel like a superstar. Looking at these videos, in retrospect, you can barely even decipher what song is playing. Even the karaoke machine sounds like it’s on crack.

Observe my drunken genius in Video 1, as I attempted to create a lighting system for my movie with a candle.

Observe the cocktail waitresses slithering together on the bar in Video 2.

And please, don’t judge me.

Socialista Ain’t Social

I’d like to take a quick moment to ridicule Tenjune’s failed attempt at Halloween décor. See below:
What is that stuff? Bubble gum? Strewn cotton candy? An effort at spider webs? If so, why is it the color of Pepto-Bismol? Note that the crowd seemed generally happy. No one seemed disturbed by this plentiful pink nastiness but me.



This week I finally got myself to Jane Street and West Side Highway to check out Socialista. Was I excited? Not really. I’d just had one too many people ask me ‘Have you been to Socialista yet?’ and was sick of replying in the negative. My underlying motivation for going however, remains that the place is co-owned by my favorite Mafioso Italian in the city, Giuseppe Cipriani along with former Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Amiri. I felt I owed it to Giuseppe to check out his latest creation of exclusivity and frivolity. Just for fun.

On the cab ride over, my friend warned me to lower my expectations.

“They sort of pride themselves on the place always being empty,” he said.

Sigh.

Now I was bracing myself for a sight worse than Rose Bar on a Saturday night – the pool table gathering dust and the place so quiet you can hear scurrying cockroaches. I feel the whole ‘exclusivity’ by keeping a place empty tactic is kind of like cheating. It takes a lot more hard work, energy and talent to keep a club full than it does to just turn everyone away. But then again, that’s assuming these establishments want to make money, which for Socialista isn’t the case. It just exists as Giuseppe and Armin’s ‘pet project.’



Upon ascending the rickety staircase to the main bar my first thought was: “Really? So much freakin’ hype for this?” The place looked like a frail haunted house, and that’s without Halloween decorations. As promised, it was empty. Eight other patrons. Two bar tenders. A DJ. That’s it.

But after ordering a drink and settling into one of the many plush and available mauve couches, the place began to grow on me. The design is minimal, Cuban-style. I felt like I’d landed on the Hollywood set used to shoot Casablanca, which is actually pretty cool. The lounge’s relaxed vibe suggested that a Rick type character might push through the kitchen’s wooden shutters at any time and serenade me with “As Time Goes By.” The fans, the white washed walls, the quiet. Socialista felt like our living room away from home. Which wasn’t what I was expecting at all.



As we got increasingly drunk, we became mesmerized by this Van Gough-like painting to the right of the bar. At first I thought it was a cat with bound feet, but then I starting noticing and counting all the geese.

So there’s everyone’s weekend homework. How many geese do you see?

Pains and Plans

So scratch everything I wrote yesterday about Tavern on the Green capitalizing on Halloween most effectively, I think Giuseppe Cipriani and Roberto Cavalli are going to win the prize. My prediction is that their Halloween event at Cipriani’s 42nd Street on Wednesday is going to put all other activities to shame – and don’t worry, it’s only $200 for general admission (and to think I was impressed by Tavern’s $40 cover…). I highly recommend checking out this randonkulous promo video some underpaid marketing intern at Cipriani’s Incorporated put together for the event here. The link will lead you to ticket and table purchasing info as well if you’ve got some extra Halloween money to burn. If it’s any consolation, I think some of the dough is going to charity.

How exactly remains unclear…



If you don’t want to fork over hundreds of dollars to have a ‘fun’ Halloween, but still want to wait outside in line for hours, I suggest Buddha Bar’s ‘good and evil’ themed event. You decide if you want to show up as an angel or devil, so basically hope of seeing any creative costumes is nil. You can view the official online invite with table price quotes here.

HEAVEN & HELL HALLOWEEN NIGHT
Wednesday, October 31st
Good & Evil will collide at
BUDDHA BAR
Featuring
DJ Stephane Pompougnac
Doors open at 9PM
25 Little West 12th Street

Meatpacking District, NYC
Good or Evil Costume Mandatory

Note the “Costume Mandatory” part of this invitation. Don’t think I’ll be going just because I don’t like the idea of a club telling me what to do, least of all telling me what I can and cannot wear. Besides, angels and devils? Could it get anymore boring than that?

I’ve always liked small clubs where you can check everyone out with one eye glance across the room. I’ve never been a huge Buddha Bar fan since the place is large enough to stable sixty horses. The club’s size makes it difficult to fill up, and frighteningly easy to get lost in. And last time I was there, women were making out with each other in the center of the dance floor surround by men tossing one-dollar bills in their direction. Classy? I think not. Granted Pink is despicable, but to their credit, I’ve never seen women in there act like common strippers. Men acting like strippers, maybe…

The low-key option is Bust-a-Move NYC’s (the more mature Italian rivals of the promotion group Made in Italy NYC) party at I Tre Merli, info below.

Dear friends and friends of friends,
THIS IS A REMINDER FOR THE HALLOWEEN PARTY
ON WEDNESDAY AT I TRE MERLI.
FREE ENTRANCE
WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 31
Please join
DJs MASSI & LUCA
@
I TRE MERLI
463 West Broadway Between Prince & Houston Street

This invite gets five Model Behavior stars. Note the word “Free” (who doesn’t love that word?) and that there’s NO mention of costumes / requirements / competitions whatsoever.

In local non-Halloween related news, my DVR suffered a mental relapse and thinks it’s the week of October 15th. This means a week’s worth of my precious programming disappeared into the ether, and I’m never going to get it back. I’d call my cable company to complain, but most interactions I have via phone with Time Warner leave me feeling like I’ve suffered a mental relapse myself. And I need all the brain cells I can get right now. Especially since this song, which I’ve kindly featured below, has been slowly but surely decreasing my intelligence for the past month it’s been stuck in my head. Enjoy watching will.i.am (Get it? Get it? It’s the worst rap name double-entendre ever) molest girls on a beach.

My Halloween MoJo: Missing

I, Model Behavior, a usually fearless partygoer, admit to be so intimidated by the Halloween madness that I fled Tavern on the Green’s Saturday Halloween soirée before even entering the party premises.

Tavern on the Green’s PR people deserve a hearty handshake. I failed to meet anyone in a twenty-mile radius of Manhattan who didn’t know about Tavern’s Halloween shindig in these past two weeks. Invitations went out early and in abundance. Every promoter I’ve ever stumbled across in years united together and to make the place a living madhouse. And here’s the thing about Holidays – it’s an excuse for club owners to financially ass rape the New York population with an extra thrust by charging $40 entrance fees, justified by the concept of a ‘Halloween Party.’

Question: What makes reasonable people accept this kind of brutal monetary abuse? Do people really think some spider webs and a string of glowing pumpkin decorations cost even a fifteenth of the dough clubs reel in by monopolizing on a child’s holiday?

And clubs aren’t the only ones cleverly commercializing on Halloween’s easily exploitive nature. Costume shops somehow convince normally savvy Manhatteners to shell out sixty bucks for a disintegrating cliché costume in a plastic bag that cost $2.50 to produce in Taiwan. How do they do that? How do they get us to accept it?

I’m being the textbook definition of a party pooper, I know. And I apologize. Anyone who follows this blog knows hating on an excuse to party isn’t my nature. But I spent a wretched twenty minutes competing with fallen angels, Mario and Luigi, and a lot of slutty devils for a cab home Saturday evening on Seventh Avenue after I prematurely aborted my evening plans. The city was that overcrowded. I wasn’t drunk, and an especially disorganized trip to Atlantic City on Friday night (is there such thing as an organized trip to a casino?) had cut into my quality weekend costume planning time, which I wasn’t looking forward to anyway. Sober in a sweater and jeans isn’t really the best way to crash a Halloween party, especially when you’re hung over from a frighteningly intense game of blackjack from the night before.

I enjoyed an especially leisurely dinner with Safari Saturday night, so we didn’t even get to Tavern on the Green until around midnight. It was clear from twenty yards away that entering the establishment was a lost cause. Lines branched off in two directions outside the entrance, both so long and winding that they were difficult to follow even while squinting. Mobs larger than anything I’ve seen on 27th street launched themselves through the middle.

Who were all these people?

Another disturbing thing about Holidays…those who consistently stay home on a Saturday night come out for the ‘special occasion’ of Halloween. The city becomes disproportionately packed! The entire party-going system is clogged with outsiders. Which is fine. I have nothing against non-religious-party-goers, although I wish they’d try harder to not get so ripped off.

In order to even out the New York going-out equilibrium, I feel the regulars like me need to stay in. That’s why I was home by one thrity a.m. Safari and I took one look at the throngs outside Tavern, calculated that everyone lucky enough to negotiate a successful entrance would be coughing up $40 for the privilege of buying drinks inside, silently applauded Tavern’s money-making savvy, and high-tailed it out of there as soon as I took these pictures:



A girlfriend of ours who’d wisely arrived at ten p.m. and had a table in the VIP section (Tavern on the Green has a VIP section? Apparently on Halloween they do…) confirmed that the party was fabulously fun. So I’m not bad-mouthing their bash. I like Tavern if only for the sparkly Christmas lights wrapped around all the trees. Cheers to them for monopolizing on Halloween in the most lucrative scheme I’ve seen yet.

I proceeded to observe the Halloween chaos by essentially walking home to Tribeca (since finding a cab was impossible) all the way from Central Park. We swung by some house parties and observed the similarly absurd lines outside Spirit and Cabana (even Cabana had a cover charge! Unimaginable!)

The good news is that if I have the willpower, I can redeem myself Wednesday night – the official day of Old Hallows Eve. Word on the street is that Cipriani’s 42nd street is throwing some sort of Wednesday night Halloween ‘ball’ in collaboration with Roberto Cavalli vodka, Pink’s hosting a ‘disco inferno,’ and the Italians will be rocking their own mini party at I Tre Merli in SoHo. I’m posting Pink’s invite below because I appreciate the way they’ve phrased “costumes highly encouraged,” instead of “required” or even worse, that there will be a “costume competition.”

Please join us Next 
Wednesday, October 31st


for the 

DISCO INFERNO


Halloween Party

 at 

Pink Elephant


with music by Miami's
 Mr. Maurizio


Costumes Highly Encouraged 


527 West 27th Street, New York
212.463.0000

www.pinkelephtantclub.com

For once I say “thank you” Pink for the thoughtful “highly encouraged” phrasing. Isn’t life challenging and competitive enough without costume requirements infiltrating our Holidays?

Sorry, sorry.

I’ll try to locate my Halloween mojo by Wednesday.