Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts

10/20/2008

Party. Pamper. Beautify.


Who has time to take long chunks out of their work day for necessary beauty maintenance?

Not me.

That’s why I always find myself bribing salon receptionists for the coveted Saturday afternoon appointment. A lengthy color treatment is now eating my weekend, but at least I’m not biting my nails, staring at my watch to make sure I’m back in the office for a 2pm conference call.

This is why I jumped at the opportunity to check out the Xac Anthony Salon in Chelsea, fabled to be a party and beautification palace all in one. Friday the salon is open till 10:30pm and the drink is expertly mixed margaritas. On Thursday, Cosmos and martinis are passed around so you can and primp and pre-game simultaneously till midnight.

Talk about spicing up the typically boring, magazine-flipping visit to the hairdresser!

I stepped in the 2,200 square foot salon on a Friday evening and felt instantly relaxed. Maybe because I was instantly offered alcohol and chocolate bon bons. The salon’s DJ mixed lounge-like beats and ladies walked from pedicure appointments to blowouts to make-up application with drinks in hand. In short, this is a sophisticated one stop service for all your beauty needs with a focus on fun. In the summer, you can even have your hair cut and colored outside while sunning on the furnished rooftop. There’s a spa offering facials and five different types of massage downstairs. And if you want to get really crazy, the celebrity tattoo artist Friday Jones can give you ink.

Xavier Cruz, celebrity stylist and trendsetter with an impressive resume, gave my hair a deep conditioning treatment. For me deep conditioning treatments have always consisted of getting my hair lathered with a thick chunky substance and being left under a dryer for forty minutes.

Not here!

Cruz gave my head an intensely pleasurable Japanese massage, healed my highly damaged scalp, and conditioned my hair with a wonderfully orange smelling substance, methodically, section by section. Instead of passing me off to an assistant, he took me to the sink himself. After filling the basin, he lapped warm water over and over again on my head for ten minutes, explaining that the conditioner absorbed into my hair best if left submerged. I felt like a mermaid. Oh, and the Japanese massage continued with my hair under water. By the time I was getting my hair blown out and styled, my scalp was tingling with happiness – and it wasn’t because I was on margarita number four.

I left the salon feeling empowered to hit my Friday night running. And if you bring two girlfriends, the three of you get 20% off all services.

I resisted asking Cruz if I could move in with him.

9/05/2008

Guest Post: Men and Women: Different but the Same

Hi! Kilroy here, from Las Vegas. In spite of my unfortunate gender, which is admittedly not female, Miss Model Behavior has been kind enough to let me write a guest piece for this blog. Perhaps I can offer an opposing-party perspective on the mating game.

First off, I want to sincerely apologize for the atrocious behavior of my brethren. We're rogues and scoundrels, and frankly I wouldn't trust any of us. On the other hand, there is some individual variation between males, and I wouldn't want to be judged based solely on my gender. Yes, men and women are statistically different, based on our different evolutionary agendas, but the closer you look at us the more you see we are really the same. Deep down, we all just want meaning, self-esteem and tenderness in our lives.

Our differences are programmed by biology and have to do with the fact that women have only a handful of reproductive opportunities in their lifetime while men have a gazillion. Both men and women have a reproductive stake in long-term bonding because this is the only way to assure the survival of our slow-maturing and resource-intensive offspring. The male, however, also has the alternate strategy of sowing his wild oats far and wide without bothering with the consequences – raping and pillaging as it were. If he loves 'em and leaves 'em, there's still a decent chance his spawn will reach maturity, so if an opportunity arises, the male and his genes lose nothing by giving it a shot.

Females, on the other hand, have every evolutionary incentive to be choosy. They want their man to prove himself, bring them gifts and jump through some flaming hoops to demonstrate both his fidelity and his ability to provide. Women must be fickle and perhaps a little trigger-happy to avoid admitting a low-quality sperm donor who can't go the distance.

None of us are imprisoned by our biology, especially in the age of contraception, but it certainly effects our emotions. These differences, of course, lead to misunderstandings. The male doesn't comprehend why he should have to jump through hoops for what seems to him the uncomplicated pleasure of sex. If the lady is physically "hot" (i.e prime for reproduction), he's probably going to want to bed her, no questions asked. The female has a much broader and more nebulous notion of hotness which is linked to more than just appearance.

The delusion of both men and women is to think that the other exists "for me" to an extent that isn't really possible. Women repeatedly ask, "Why are men such assholes?" while men ask the same about women. The core problem is unrealistic expectations on both sides. We are all basically narcissists, or at least we start out that way. We'll jump through whatever hoops are necessary to get the relationship started, but that doesn't mean we have attained the maturity to sustain it in the long term.

When I watch men try to pick up women, it reminds me of dogs chasing cars. Dogs chase cars because that's what they're programmed to do, but this doesn't mean they know what to do with the car once they've caught it. Frankly, women aren't much different: They'll be choosy and set up hoops for the man to jump through, but once the conditions are met and they have him in their arms, what do they do next? Both men and women are generally clueless at that point.

This is where men and women become the same. Once you have sex out of the way, how do two essentially genderless minds get along with each other in close quarters? This is really an existential problem rather than a gender issue. Gay couples face the same challenge and are no more successful in resolving it. Only in romantic relationships do you get so close and are expected to share so much. Romance dissolves the standard physical, emotional and economic boundaries between individuals, but what new boundaries are you going to replace them with?

In the morning after your first night together, you have to come up with a whole new regulatory system, which most people just aren't prepared for. If you are lucky, you might have seen your parents interact successfully over an extended period, but for the most part it's a brave new world for all of us. Now that we've merged our bodily fluids and are crying on each other's shoulder, how do we define the differences between me and you? How do we make effective use of each other and avoid stepping on each other's toes? Sex is nice at first, but it's going to get routine really fast. How do we justify our relationship on other terms?

In other words, what do you do with the car after you've caught it?

Sadly, the most common way to justify a relationship is to create unnecessary drama within it. Once sex has been thoroughly explored and the relationship starts feeling routine, that's when one party or the other is likely to concoct a conflict. This could be someone going out and having an affair or just staying home and starting to complain. This isn't usually a conscious process, but in an emotional way the person is thinking, "Things are getting boring and meaningless here, so I've got to shake them up." Once stability is disrupted, then at least you have something to fight about and the relationship appears to have substance again.

Women think it's a man problem, and men think it's a woman problem, but really it's a human problem of not knowing what to do with intimacy once you have it.

You can visit Kilroy's blog at KilroyCafe.blogspot.com

8/27/2008

Cherish is the Word

My girlfriend and I were rolling around in the sand drinking bottles of Les Petites baby Evian (yes Evian makes baby Evian, for some reason, we found this uncontrollably hilarious) enjoying the salty air and the clear summer sky and realized we had nothing that legitimate to complain about. Then we remembered we were always pissed off at men.



My girlfriend went on to describe how she felt perpetually unsatisfied in the relationship she was in. Nothing was inherently wrong, per se. She just couldn’t remember why this person deserved her body or time. More importantly, she was positive he couldn’t remember why. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but it was this nagging feeling that she was getting the short end of the stick, disappearing into unappreciative void, being taken for granted, gagging on emotional quicksand.

Then she broke out with,

“Dude, I just want to be cherished. Why doesn’t he cherish me?”

We then proceeded to make a longwinded series of jokes about how we could make sure our future husbands never got lazy in their life purpose of making us feel worshipped.

Tattooing “Adore Her” on his wrist where his watch should be?

An electroshock wedding ring that stimulated the part of the brain that produces loving compliments at two hour intervals?

Making Madonna’s Cherish song his ringtone?



While I personally am the type that’s more likely to complain about feeling smothered rather than under-cherished, I could partially relate to her whining. Why is it that the men who are so gallant, well-mannered, well-organized, thoughtful, kind, and gentlemanly when they’re pursuing you revert to ill-mannered mongrels once they’ve conquered you?

This is why women get bitchy in stable relationships. Every time a guy doesn’t do the things it he did in courtship, he makes us feel like we’ve made a mistake in choosing him. And women hate to be wrong. Especially, when we have no one to blame but ourselves. It’s pretty simple:

Guys, imagine you’re at a power tool show room. There’s a super cool drill that you’re thinking of buying to install surround sound speakers and a HUGE plasma on your living room wall, where you’ll proceed to watch the best porn of your life and be permanently content in your existence. The salesman in the showroom shows you all the drill’s features – different speeds, different functionalities, battery power and after really thinking things through, you purchase the thing. Once you get it home in your living room, it fails to work and your dreams of a content existence are shattered.

Wouldn’t you be upset?

Wouldn’t you feel cheated?

Wouldn’t you get angry?

Wouldn’t you want to pick fights about life’s small details in a hormonal rage?

And most importantly, wouldn’t you want to smash the non-functional drill into pieces and slap around the manipulative salesman that tricked you into buying it?

Yeah, see men, that’s how we feel about you once you fail to continuously provide the esteem and admiration you demonstrated during courtship.

I asked a male about this over white wine on Monday night. He said that it’s so much more difficult for men to emotionally open up than it is for women. When they do, it’s a huge accomplishment. They feel like they’ve given you SO much that all the other little things (holding open doors, getting out of bed to walk you to a cab) just seem trivial. While to us ladies, these things are far from trivial because failing to perform them gives us buyer’s remorse. And when we feel like we’ve erred, we’re sure as Hell not pretty, and probably fail to have any resemblance to the creature you picked up in our metaphorical show room as well.

Solution?

I dunno. Meet somewhere halfway? Women, expect a downgrade in treatment as things normalize and just try to relish in the fact that he’s not being the emotional equivalent of a rock? Men, try to pretend that you don’t know we like you back yet, even when you do?

Yuck. Sounds like game playing might be the way to go.

8/26/2008

Insecure Men On the Prowl

Last week we addressed a male reader question about why women are so “complicated,” so I only thought it fair that this week we hear what a lady has to say:

Dear MB –

Two and a half months ago a guy, I’ll call him G, started pursuing me non-stop. I never dug him, but he was such a relentless ‘hunter’ that somewhere six weeks in, I started to get into it. I slowly let myself admit to liking him back and things seemed really good. Now he’s completely ignoring me. After such a long courtship / pursuit?!??! What gives? Isn’t this just mean?

Well, sounds like you got your feelings hurt.

Getting your feelings hurt is sort of like the guaranteed bench time in the vicious game of tackle football which is relationships. It appears to me that you scored yourself an IMOP.

An Insecure Man On the Prowl.

This is an especially dangerously species of man beast since their need to hunt you can easily be misinterpreted as genuine affection.

Here’s my theory:

Only incredibly insecure men hunt women they’re not interested in. The men I’ve met that are into this whole ‘game’ mentality of wining you, dining you, achieving you, and ditching you are the guys that need to win women in order to feel good about themselves. They’re addicted to the score. And it’s always been my personal interpretation that these guys have the self-esteem of a garden slug.

Why use the conquering of another random human being to make you feel manly or cool or worthwhile? What a waste of everyone’s New York minute.

My message to the IMOPs out there and your message to G, if he ever phones you again which he probably won’t, is “Get a hobby!”

A hobby besides hunting hunnies.

Men who are really good at something in and out of the office don’t have time to go on a lot of romantic rabbit chases. They already know they’re worthwhile. These fellows already feel good about themselves because they’re the best downhill skier out of their friends, the number one wake boarder in the state, a marathon runner, or the innovator of a genius entrepreneurial idea.

What truly talented or successful man, who’s created a life he’s invigorated by, has the time or volition to make women he’s not even that interested in fall for him for sport? A guy who’s confident and at one with himself doesn’t need that kind of random ego boost. I guess that means most of us aren’t confident or at one with ourselves, because women are equally guilty of using men for self-esteeming pumping purposes.

Sad story.

But I do want to tell all the IMOPs out there that they’d really benefit from putting their time and energy elsewhere. Like I once said to my friend the Argentine:

“If you put one tenth of the energy you dedicate to seducing women into some sort of business venture, you’d be a millionaire twice over by now.”

Because here’s the thing that I think so many men miss:

Scoring babes isn’t an accomplishment. Every woman in the planet is a sitting duck waiting to be seduced. We’re anticipating the arrival of our White Knight and we’ll work hard to manipulate ourselves into thinking it’s you.

When you think of it this way, what IMOPs are doing really isn’t that impressive or difficult. You might have to work a little to figure out what to do and say to make a woman let her guard down and incorrectly trust you, but I equate this to learning how to drive a stick shift car. It’s rough your first few times behind the wheel and exhilarating as you learn the gears, the clutch and how much pressure to apply at once, but once you’ve got it – you’ve got it. There’s really nothing impressive about doing you errands driving a stick car once you’ve learned how. Just like there’s really nothing that impressive about scoring dozens of women once you’ve mastered the general art of seduction.

So the point of talking about the IMOP in relation to our reader question is that yes, I agree it’s “just mean,” but don’t beat yourself up over it feeling bad. You did nothing wrong except respond to an IMOPs advances with what appears cautiousness (good!), optimism and sincerity.

What more could you have done? You don’t own a crystal ball! You had reason to believe this person was really into because of the extend time and extra effort he put in. This time around you were wrong. Next time, I hope you won’t be. What’s important is that you had the self-confidence to really put yourself out there. Spineless G probably can’t even imagine what it’s like to have the guts the do something like that.

8/21/2008

Defending "Complicated" Women


Today we address a reader question:

Dear MB,

I was dating this girl for the past four weeks or so. She leaves at the end of the month. We go out on 3 great dates, make out, hold hands, all that. She comes to my place one night and…you know, things get heavy and I want it to go all the way, right? ... She's leaving anyway at the end of the month...but she complicates the whole matter of sex and doesn't want to go through with it. I however, see it as a simple thing. She leaves soon anyway, so why not? Why do women make everything so complicated? Is it baggage or social stigma?

Ummmm. Where to begin?

Why do women complicate everything by actually thinking with our brains and not just our genitals?

Well,

In your situation, I think it has to do with metrics.

You know: her number.

There are some free-spirited women out there who get off feeling empowered by doing things like gangbanging in bathroom stalls, but most of us have a lot of self-consciousness or at least deep feelings around the number of people we’ve slept with. In a frightening modern world, I can only speak for myself and the women I know, but we’re all pretty interested in keeping that number as low as possible.

Why?

Because the textbook definition of a slut is someone who has slept with a lot of people.

This is why most women would rather get hot and heavy with an ex and tend to recycle men rather than getting involved with someone new (not to mention that getting involved with someone new can be terrifying since you’re putting yourself out on a physical and emotional limb).

Keeping this new perspective in mind, you’re just a bad investment. She’s moving at the end of the month and will most likely never see you again, so why would she want to up her number for someone she’ll only get to sleep with once? Either

a) She’s just not that into you, because trust me, if a girl’s into you enough she’ll throw common sense out the window. Also, I’ve had men say to me, “I know she likes me because she made-out with me.” That’s like saying, “I know the earth is flat because that’s what it looks like.”

It’s just so wrong!

Some girls are make-out mavens, either because they’re drinking or making-out seems like good placation – a lot easier than confronting you or letting you down. If a girl likes you she’ll be making-out with you and doing twenty-five other affectionate things like consistently touching you, always answering your phone calls, immediately responding to your texts and engaging in sustained eye-contact. If she’s just pulling an occasional make-out without any of the other stops, I’d say she’s lukewarm at most, and just keeping you around for entertainment value.

b) Maybe she’s too into you and sleeping with you and then never seeing you again isn’t the ripping off a band-aid kind of pain she wants to engage in recreationally. Remember, for most women it’s extremely difficult get non-emotional about sex. And it’s not our fault. We’re biologically made this way for the purposes of child-rearing.

Which leads me to my next topic, “abandonment issues.” I’ve got abandonment issues up the wazoo and most of my close female friends suffer from the illness at some level as well. Once you take the plunge with someone, the fear is that they’ll vanish, disappear, go Poof!, walk out on you, leave you alone to rot. In your situation, there’s a guarantee of abandonment. She may be into you, but if she has her head on right she’s probably not going to want to sign up for that.

If you’re seriously interested in this girl, spend your time talking about what happens after she leaves. When you’ll next see each other, how much you want to keep in touch, stuff like that to quell her fears and help her understand that this is something you hope to continue on whatever level you decide. But if your approach is just, “let’s get it on before you get lost,” I can understand why she’s not…um…opening up.

8/18/2008

Text Message Etiquette

Back in the early 21st century, nerds, techies and business people in an office somewhere developed texting as a way to add an additional feature to their cellular gadgets and make more money for their primary shareholders to bathe in. I doubt they had any idea they were creating a new art form (the texted cellular mini novella exists in China). And I’m sure they were oblivious to the fact that they’d launched a new arena for love, dating, flirting and endless amusement.

Theoretically, texting’s about productivity. It’s easier than placing a phone call. But anyone who texts with regularity, knows that texting is much more than a friendly phone alternative. The SMS has morphed into one of the most important ways we communicate with the people we’re closest to. The beginnings of many modern relationships blossom through texts. It’s how we manage to still feel close to far away friends. Make plans without having to pause our iPods or turn off the TV. Send a note that’s thoughtful and sweet without having to pick up a pen.

With the amount of texting we do and the variety of things texting’s used for, it’s easy to get lost (or pissed) when you feel your partner’s not adhering to proper textiquette. To clear up what proper textiquette entails, I’ve outlined the basic 12 rules below.

1. Lengthy, emotional or overly detailed texts are usually not appreciated by the receiver who can find them overwhelming (or annoying). Topics that require a lengthy discussion, tears, or flow charts are what actual conversations – or at least email – are for.

2. On the other hand, directions, hard to spell names of places, phone numbers, and anything else you could possibly mishear are a terrific use of the text. The receiver will love you for making their life easier by not having to pick up that archaic pen and Post It note.

3. Any question demands a response. Yet text messages like the affirmative, “Ok” are totally unnecessary. For example, if I write, “Call you in 15,” a response is not required unless there’s a problem. “Ok” is the worst text message ever. It’s a waste of my monthly 500 texts. It’s a waste of your time to type that, and if you’re going to type an unnecessary affirmative at least make it entertaining and worth the five cents to Cingular like, “You got it gorgeous” (or something equally cheesy) However, if you write your statement in the interrogative form, “Call you in 15?” you’re asking for it.

4. You have a 2 hour texting window before offensive for non-response can be claimed. You can then retaliate with either an angry text or not responding to them whenever they get around to responding to you. Your anger is legitimate because in the fourteen hours it took them to respond you’ve been getting paranoid about something being “wrong,” trapped in a glass cage of emotion.

5. Any kind of affection / inside jokes / funny commentary / well wishes should be acknowledged...otherwise, you’re an asshole.

6. Lateness. Fab use of the text. “I’m running 10 minutes late.” This is helpful, short, informative and considerate.

7. Many people, mainly men, don’t see texts as a source of uncensored fun and feelings. This group of texters don’t like doing anything that exceeds basic logistics via text. Therefore, texting your man things like “Are you IN love with me or do you just love me?” is probably a bad idea.

8. Unless it’s really important, always wait for a response before sending another text to the same person. If you’re sending the fifth text in a row, you should’ve just called and are coming off as a spastic creepshow.

9. Be careful about minimalist / one word texts, which can hurt the receiver’s feelings.

Example: “What time could you get here Saturday?”

Response: “Can’t.”

This is textually rude. A better approach:

“Can’t come down this weekend, I’m babysitting my friend’s ferret.”

Including a brief explanation can soften negating texts and assist in avoiding textual tension later on. Interestingly enough, the one word response that generally leads to upset/unrest on the receiving side is generally inspired by upset/unrest on the sender’s side. Unless, of course, sender is male, in which case onewording can be considered caveman-like and normal.

10. Sometimes we use our phones like a cellular IM upon which to conduct long textual conversations. How to politely extricate yourself from a ridiculously long game of texting ping pong in which you’ve composed a short novel between the two of you? Just dropping out after 20 minutes of back-and-forth is considered poor form, un-athletic and could leave your receiver wondering if they texted something you took offensive to. It’s best to end the game with a final text that includes a concrete reason why your textasizing needs to stop like, “Hahaha, k I got get focusing on my actual job here. Got a meeting with Bill Gates in 10.”

Drunk Texting

Since textual communication is the least creepy, most accessible, and least confrontational means of communication on your average Saturday night, it only follows that many of us may indulge in this self-destructive pastime. Tips:

11. A drunken text / booty text / 4 am overshare can be politely ignored. Chances are the person who late night texted you has no desire to be reminded of their embarrassing drunken antics and out-of-control hormones.

12. The drunken text is always better than the call. For the sender, if there is no response, you can attribute it to all sorts of reasons (sleep, lack of service, dancing, didn't hear the text alert of the cellular device since it didn't ring repeatedly like it would for a phone call). A text usually makes things less awkward for both parties. Although with a call, you can always claim the inside of your purse / pocket accidently phoned the other person. A text leaves a concrete trail of you contacting them that no amount of lying can remedy. There’s written documentation of your problem. The morning after your “sent” box is full of self-inflicted humiliation.

8/07/2008

All Business


Sometimes it can happen that you just want the primary relationships in your life to be with a computer, your refrigerator and a TV (work – nourishment – pleasure). Maybe you were a former rock star who’s burned out. A former D-list celebrity that no longer craves human interaction. Someone who was detrimentally hurt in a past relationship. Someone who’s a loner genius. Or a normal person that’s just retracting into a protective shell since dealing with other people is so SCARY.

Is taking a break from fellow homo-sapiens healthy? Or is it signaling your transformation into a robotic mutant?

Observe AIM convo below, and note that conversations involving the meaning of life should never take place on AIM since the device actually tracks your comments, enabling you to look back on statements and realize what a whack-job you are.

[Redacted1]: i don't even know. i think every fiber of my being is telling me i don't want to be dating / getting involved with anyone right now. this is why i'm osama-bin-ladening my dates

[Redacted2]: well, then don't. you're so busy, sweetheart and having to dedicate time and attention to someone else would only take away from everything that you are doing for you~ so don't!

[Redacted1]: yeah i already did the relationship thing

[Redacted2]: yeah, and i mean years down the road, you might relationship again, but if you don’t want to now, don’t! p.s. I'm eating a reeses peanut butter cup & loving it

[Redacted1]: i had the Ben and Jerry's ice cream version of that this weekend. it was awesome

[Redacted2]: it is waaay okay to be single

[Redacted1]: yeah i'm telling u. enough of this random BS. i'm paying someone down the road to find me true love

[Redacted2]: side note: I really just want to write, "stop sucking" on people's facebook walls

[Redacted1]: there are matchmaker ppl who have crazy vibes and make like 26marriages a year. they exist - and if I work my ass off I'll be able to afford them. money can buy happiness

[Redacted2]: agreed. in fact, i would argue that love doesn't bring happiness, money does. think about how much being in love sucks. i'm miserable. at the end of the day, there are so many other ways to be fulfilled: so many more stable, dependable, and productive ways. human interactions / relationships are super overrated. just look at our parents, not to mention our relationships with them

[Redacted1]: i feel like we should somehow get this conversation published. it's hilarious. in a sad way.

[Redacted2]: do it

So there you have it. Are human interactions, dare I say it, overrated? With longtime friends, I’d say no. With members of the opposite sex, well, unless you end up getting married, it’s going to end badly. And marriage usually ends in divorce. So really your best case scenario encompasses a lifetime worth of problems, taxes, responsibilities, growing bored of each other and making sacrifices for someone else. If that’s the rare win, who in their right mind would want to play?

And suddenly, I’m transported back to Rose Bar summer 2007, where I was consuming hot tea (yes, hot tea in swanky Rose Bar) chatting with a guy friend of mine from Britain about this exact topic. I was unsurprisingly in some sort of romantic crisis I can no longer recall, giving my usual sociopathic speech of depression about how romantic involvement with others is futile. He shot back with,

“But it’s worth it.”

I’m sure I sneered back.

“It’s worth it to have relationships,” he said, “and to be committed to them. Whether it lasts six weeks or six years. Because you learn something about yourself. You’ll take something away. It’s worth it.”

He said this with a lot of conviction which was both annoying and reassuring.

Then I realized that I probably have an unusually low emotional pain threshold, because for me, the feelings of loss and anger and sadness in break-up world made it really hard to notice that all the good times proceeding made it worthwhile – One of the many downsides of being a perfectionist and expecting things to go right all the time. Yet I knew my friend was right. At least I hoped he was right, not really at the time because I wanted to win the argument, but now a year later I genuinely do hope he was right. It makes the world a lot less depressing.

So instead of approaching the next object of your affection with expectations of wonderfulness, maybe it’s better to approach with the mindset of, “This will end badly, but will it be worth it?” If you something moves you enough to think it’ll be worth it, then it’s probably worth risk.

Not rainbows and bunnies, I know. But better than opting to live in an emotional bomb shelter where you never see daylight.

8/06/2008

Central Parking


If spring represents budding romance and sexual awakening, summer is all about the scandalously hot love affair. As the air gets heavier, so does the petting. This theory materialized right before my eyes last weekend as I witnessed a particular mating session in Central Park.

This was my first journey to the park since the move to New York City a few weeks ago. My two friends and I sat on our blanket, settled comfortably on a grassy knoll bordered on one side by a wire fence. On our other side, wooden stakes and neon orange construction mesh blocked off our non-picturesque view of a huge gash in the earth. Why we chose the most aesthetically displeasing place to sit, I’m not sure. However, this location quickly became a front row seat to one of the most intense matches of tonsil hockey that I’ve ever seen.

The couple lounged just on the other side of the wire fence. We didn’t notice them at first because we were engaged in a heated debate over whether or not to go get ice cream. This ended abruptly as my friend exclaimed, “Oh my God. Look.” Following her pointed finger, we turned to see the young couple lying vertically, guy on top of girl, ferociously locked at the mouth.

This was not just your typical public display of affection. The lanky couple was intertwined in a clothed version of the missionary position. No, this was not PDA--this was PDE: Public Display of Erection.

“Why did he wear jeans?!” my friend asked. “He can’t be comfortable right now.”

According to my dictionary, definition no. 5 of the verb park reads: “to kiss and cuddle in a parked car in a quiet and secluded location (slang).” I would like to expand on this term of “parking” to say that it also might apply to outrageous displays of affection in a public garden with the misguided notion that being stationed near a tree removes you from the view of others.

Perhaps the atmosphere of grass and trees, a stark contrast to the usual endless concrete of the city, overwhelmed these young New Yorkers. In such a natural habitat, they had no choice but to give in to their carnal desires. We left just as the guy appeared to be sliding into second base. In a sort of hilarious coincidence, the small children about ten feet away from him were also playing baseball.


I’m not bitter. And I’m not uptight. I was amused by the couple, but if I knew my totally hot bf and I were someone else’s free afternoon entertainment, I’d be somewhat mortified. They’re lucky I’d forgotten my digital camera. I would have whipped it out and taken a made-for-YouTube classic without a second thought.

I say, “Get a room.” Any kind of room, even if it’s a dressing room--it’d be like a hot Levi’s commercial. Or if you want to be in the park, I don’t know, build a tent. Pitch a teepee instead of showing us the one in your pants.


If you’re in the midst of a hot summer romance, you won’t care about my advice. Parking holds too much appeal: the breeze softly rustling the trees, the bed of grass under the warm sun. I get it. But heed this: I plan on returning to the park in hopes of catching another matinée show, and this time, my footage is going online.

5/15/2008

Gold Is On The Rise

I thoroughly enjoy admitting when I’m wrong. Maybe because it happens so often. Everyone ready to time travel? Good. Let’s go way back to October of last year, when I had this to say about the swanky, closet-size, SoHo lounge Goldbar:

In broad terms, Goldbar pisses me off. The door’s extremely tight and the place is never packed. They’re super snoody and won’t let patrons take pictures inside, and no, I don’t think this is to protect the artwork (I really doubt they’re hanging paintings that valuable in place where people come to get shitfaced and often climb/fall into the walls).

Months later again, I’m here to come full circle and give Goldbar two tequila happy thumbs up. I found myself hanging out there both this past weekend and the one before. I’m here to say, on the record, that this place is a good time.

I partied there on a Sunday night and found what I judged to be the sexiest crowd out that night in the city. The flocks of female supermodels seemed relaxed instead of rigid. Men weren’t busy boasting bottle service to impress, they were actually pulling out cute dance moves and managing to look like homo-sapiens genuinely enjoying themselves instead of bankers desperate to prove that they know how to party...

4/28/2008

It’s Not a Party Without & MB Recommends


Today I composed an “it’s not a party without ____” list about my Saturday night out. You can view that here. I also thought I’d divulge some stuff that I’ve recently gotten into:

1. Kiehls Foaming Non-Detergent Washable Face Cleanser.

Sick of your dermatologist saying ‘just use Cetaphil blah blah’ doctor talk since it's one of the few products they can defer you to law-suit-risk free? Try this stuff. It’s cheap compared to other high-end facial cleansers and comes in the largest 17 oz bottle for $26.50. It was recommended to me by a skin care expert and I’ve been enjoying the results.

2. Eckhart Tolle.

Ekhart wrote this book “The Power of Now” that people went ga-ga over a few years ago and went completely over my head. Now however, he has this new Opera-approved novel called “A New Earth,” which has nothing to do with the earth but serves rather as a guide to understanding your ego. So the title remains baffling to me and I advise skipping the first chapter (which is whacky and New Age and will drag you down.) Pick up on Chapter 2 and get ready to experience pure genius. This book made me feel less insane every day I read it.

I now wish Eckhart could cancel his busy schedule to just come and live with me as my own personal spiritual advisor. Every time I’m upset, crabby, having trouble purging my negativity, picking out clothing or need help composing a text message, he’d just be there to help me through it. Eckhart? Are you interested?

3. Juice / Water Fasting. I’m determined to try this. Let’s see if I make it through alive.

Fasting provides a period of concentrated physiological rest during which time the body can devote its self-healing mechanisms to repairing and strengthening damaged organs. The process of fasting also allows the body to cleanse cells of accumulated toxins and waste products.

Fasting gives the digestive tract time to completely rest and strengthen its mucosal lining. A healthy intestinal mucosal lining is necessary for preventing the leakage of incompletely digested proteins into the bloodstream, thereby offering protection from autoimmune conditions. A healthy digestive tract also helps to protect the blood and inner organs against a variety of environmental and metabolic toxins.

Gross, but I buy it.


4. Ne-Yo: I forgot how oddly soothing elevator music by rappers can be. His over-the-top cheesy dance moves are absolutely worth checking out.


4/15/2008

Marry Him, DUH!


I realize the initial hype about this 'Marry Him!' article has passed, but I’m still not over it so here we go.

Just in case you’re not suicidal enough, Lori Gottlieb is here to remind you that your ovaries are drying up and that asshole-loser you’re dating now is the guy you should just suck up and marry because hey, all men go bald and become embittered anyway. Apparently, romance and marriage have absolutely nothing to do with one another. An excerpt:

What I didn’t realize when I decided, in my 30s, to break up with boyfriends I might otherwise have ended up marrying, is that while settling seems like an enormous act of resignation when you’re looking at it from the vantage point of a single person, once you take the plunge and do it, you’ll probably be relatively content. It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

All this advice from someone who's actually never been married. And jeez, “relatively content.” That’s what we’re aiming for? Don't forget that over 50% of those “relatively content” people will end up divorced. The scariest thing about this article (which Gottlieb’s gotten a lot of heat for) is that she actually makes many good points. Then again, she’s speaking from the vantage point of someone who said, “I’m getting too old to procreate, let’s have a baby now via sperm donor and look for the man of my dreams later!” which while admirable in it’s courageous naïveté, is a life choice only someone who’s been severely beaten with a stupid stick would take.

On what planet does raising a child fatherless with no financial support and no emotional support sound like a good idea? Is settling a better option? Hell yes, because as she points out, at least you have someone with a second income who’ll also take out the trash.

So if your on your very last egg and determined to make babies, settling’s probably the better choice than going at it on your own. Duh. Isn’t that actually a no-brainer? Isn’t that what most women who marry at 29 are doing anyway? How about someone pump out an article on how to avoid this situation all together, because as my quotable friend the Argentine once said:

“It’s one thing to meet the man of your life. It’s another thing to know he’s the one.”

Ponder that.


Lori Gottlieb’s full article here.

3/13/2008

Thank You, WikiHow


Last post on the topic of feminity, I swear. Some of the gems in here were too good to pass up. Let WikiHow teach you, and observe my commentary interspersed in pink.

How to be Feminine:

STEPS

1. Take care of your hair and make sure it smells good. It's okay if your hair is slightly frizzy or imperfect, as long as it is not stringy and/or greasy. Also, try to keep your hair out of your face.

2. Wear only as much makeup as you need. Always have powder handy wherever you go. Wow, I actually do this already! Keep make-up minimal. You decide how much, but too much isn't very attractive. Many may view you as insecure and in reality not very beautiful if you wear too much to cover up. Good point! If you use more then 10 minutes in front of the mirror, you should think about toning it down. Just 10 minutes? Is that a joke? Is that for just make up application or for make up application and outfit coordination? Because anything less than twenty minutes for clothing determination is whack!

3. Wear neat but conservative clothes. Really short skirts come across as slutty, not feminine. Slutty. Feminine. Are different. Check.

4. Don't be loud and obnoxious. This is a male trait and people believe you to be more masculine than you actually are. Must practice talking daintily. Is it feminine to glare at people who are being loud? Or to give them a bitchy raised eyebrow? Probably not.

5. Don't fish for compliments. Fishing is also a male trait. Like…with galoshes in lakes?...wait, I’m confused. Remember, you are a woman. I often wake up and ask my roommate, ‘wait, what gender am I again?’ Be confident even if you aren't completely happy with yourself. That's called alcohol.

6. Be happy with yourself. Accept your body for what it is and others will love you. Sweet.

7. Remove unattractive body hair. Wax your upper lip if necessary and tweeze your eyebrows. Shave your legs (all of them) all three of them?, arms, and back (if it needs it) If you need to shave your back maybe you need to double check if you’re a woman. Hair is disgusting.

8. Be confident and happy. Nothing is more beautiful than a smiling woman. Just keep your lips together, if you don't like your teeth. God bless orthodontia.

9. Try not to use profanities. We all do it, but if you could make a sailor blush with your mouth and not your looks, you should think about toning it down. This is actually pretty valid. I’ve had guys express displeasure when I swear excessively.

10. Be aware of your posture. Chin up high, back straight and thoughts positive.

11. Be smart. Easier said then done. Most people like smart women who are able to have a discussion about something. Really!?!? Don't make yourself dumb. But also don't be a know-it-all. Accept if a man is right, especially if you like him.

TIPS

Follow these steps, but don't try to be someone you're not! Unless you are hairy, in which case you should probably change a little. Laughing. So. Hard.

If you have talents such as ballet, cheerleading, cooking rice, etc., try and make it known without bragging. Cooking rice?

Shower daily, wash your face twice a day, brush and floss your teeth twice a day, and use deodorant! Really? I have to floss to get my femininity degree?

Be organized and neat with your things. This is a feminine trait (have you noticed that all men are sloppy?) Having a pigsty of a dorm/apartment/house has never been girly. Even if it’s thongs and lingerie that’s messily spread everywhere?

Confidence isn't about using a bold tone of voice or always appearing happy and solid. To be genuine, confidence must be about knowing yourself really well and being brave enough to be yourself in public without being pushy, defensive, or embarrassed. It takes a long time. But stick in there, girlfriend. Thanks! Girlfriend.

Another important point is that you should love yourself, just the way you are. That’s what therapy is for.

I take back that last point. Be the change you want to see in your life. Thanks WikiHow! You're empowering!

3/12/2008

Shut Up and Be Feminine Part II


One of my favorite readers commented on yesterday’s post about the endlessly fascinating topic of male-female relations stating:

“Jesus - can there not just be one rule book to go by?! It's all so frikkin' confusing!”

I agree faithful reader! We have to juggle the ‘play hard to get’ theories the ‘never even play games’ theories and now these whacked ‘femininity’ strategies. Implicating all of them will make us schizophrenics in heels, and forget the overly simplified and unhelpful ‘just be yourself’ theory cuz that’s just silly. It’s a lifelong journey that involves a lot of dark chocolate and tissues to figure out who you are, and if you even want to share that crazy trainwreck with another person. So I wanted to at least try to give my audience of intelligent, witty women and the men who are fascinated by them a comprehensive stance on the enigma that is the male brain (a superhuman task, I know.)

So I solicited the services of a Don Juan Argentine friend of mine, who even has experience writing books for women about men (sadly they’re in Portuguese and my ability to say “cheers,” “give me an orgasm” and “that man stole my purse,” isn’t enough vocab to get me through the first chapter.) So I had him read through my scintillating conversation with Rio and he was kind enough to offer this response:

In response to your article “Shut Up & Be Feminine:”

Buddha said "that the key to happiness is equilibrium or balance between 2 opposing elements"...

Now with that said, women and men are no exception:

What women must remember is:

That men need their "reason" for living... Reason is the oxygen of a relationship as far as men are concerned.

The problem with excessively independent, strong, feminist women is that they rob their man of their "reason" and consequently, their mission in nature.

If you take a man's reason by being too independent, he will feel useless, like a walking vibrator, a seamen storage and/or ATM... A woman needing a man to squash a roach, change the car's oil, or program the VCR is what makes a man feel like "A Man"... not necessarily "The Man".... This has nothing to do with ego polishing. It's more about complementing each other.

Also, what women rarely understand is that if you want to get your way with your man don't rob him of his reason by telling him he’s wrong. Don’t antagonize him by arguing over little things. The best way to keep a man happy is say "ok" to everything and then do what you want afterwards. If you ever need to correct your man then do it in a subtle way, saying things like "Don't you think it might be better that way?" or "I would love it if we would do this and that, instead of the other"... Remember, in life it's not what you say, but how you say it! Also if you need to correct him, don't ever do it in front of other people! Especially in front of his friends, co-workers and of course his mother!!! In other words, draw him a picture but let him connect the dots! So you can get your way without robbing him of his "reason."

Bottom line is that men and women were designed by nature to co-depend on each other... And when you go against nature, you lose, and massive masturbation results as such.... If God/Nature wanted us to be completely independent, then he would have left us as self-replicating asexual amoebas floating in the proverbial soup!

Last thought: Let your man do the little things that you know you could easily do so he can feel worthy of being YOUR man and can continue to love and cherish you instead of going after the other feminine lap doggy girl next door: Always seeking a balance between complete independence and utter neediness.

Awesome. So I don’t have to revert to silence and stupid pills just yet. This whole ‘balance’ idea, I think I like it. And you know what’s unbalanced? That while we obsess, men spend one twenty-fifth the amount of time theorizing about us and ladies are probably twenty-five times more complicated. Someone solve that math problem for next time.

2/12/2008

I Hate Cupid


Not so long ago, I wrote about New Year's as a holiday that provokes relationship angst and triggers nasty inebriated break-ups. If you and your significant other actually managed to blissfully unite under a disco ball and welcome in 2008 with joy, you’re about to be put through an even more arduous test – the Hallmark invented bull crazy that is Valentine's Day.

If you and your partner are open, stable, honest, in love and not looking for ‘the next best thing’ you’ll probably get through the holiday just fine. I know very few New York relationships that could be categorized under all these terms. In many ways, Manhattan’s an island of relationship losers. We know what we want (it’s just different Monday through Friday), we know how we feel (for the few hours after expensive weekly psychotherapy), and we believe in romance (when we’re not being spit on by people in the subway). Many New Yorkers prefer to indulge in what I like to call ‘grey relationships.’ Love stories that are exciting, non-committal, endlessly confusing, and allow us to be closet workaholics. Everything’s going along swimmingly until a calendar imposed nut-fest like Valentine's Day forces you to snap out of the dysfunctional grayness you’ve been passively enjoying and dares you to define your relationship.

Definition very often equals death.

Let’s embark on a memory road trip to Valentine's Day three years ago, a holiday that assassinated my extremely pleasurable grey relationship at the time. I’d been for the most part exclusively dating the object of my affection for eight or nine months. I’d been subtly pushing for weeks for us to take things to the next level (meeting parents, going on trips, engaging in activities together other than just eating, drinking, watching HBO, and sex) and decided to use Valentine's Day as a test for him to prove he cared about me on a level beyond buying me beer and letting me keep stuff at his place.

My not-so-subtle hinting that he better do something nice for me for Valentine's Day (or else) actually worked. He put down the cable remote control, did laundry, pulled himself together and made reservations at the nicest restaurant we’d ever been to. We actually connected over the meal. The night from start to finish went great. You’d think some sort of victory dance and ‘happily ever after’ scrawled across us in cursive would have ensued, but no. Us connecting and spending the holiday together sacred this guy shitless. It was too much, too fast. He disappeared, I stalked him, we exchanged stuff, and never spoke again.

Thanks, V Day.

Granted, we wanted different things from one another. Granted, I was being an immature crazy manipulator. Granted, he sucked. But our enjoyable, stress-free arrangement could have continued for many more months undisturbed had Valentine's Day not forced us into defining exactly what we meant to each other – a stage, come to find out, neither of us was ready for.

Maybe I should look at V Day as my friend. Something that helps you define, dump, and move out of the dysfunctional realm onto something bigger and better, but the commercialism, pinkness, teddy bears and Duane Reade mega assortment of Sweet Tarts and cheap candy makes it impossible for me to do that.

My advice to any men in the grey area who aren’t sure what to do is to send flowers. I don’t think flowers force anyone to define anything, and flowers have NEVER made a romantic situation worse. They’re the one gift that can’t hurt, they can only help. Hell, if I had this powerful a placation tool I could send to the guys I’m dating, I’d have it in my calendar on autopilot.

Thursday’s D Day. So who has plans?

12/17/2007

Unofficial Kiss & Fly First Impressions


No, I have not yet been inside Kiss & Fly. My body’s fighting it. Maybe because of the trauma I witnessed on their Wednesday opening night.

Wednesday was supposed to be a soft opening for press. From what I could tell, there was nothing soft about it. The establishment seemed wildly overwhelmed in every sense of the word, even early on in the evening.

Curios, I walked by the place opening night at 12:15 A.M. knowing there’d be little chance of getting in. I was right. What I didn’t predict however, is how utterly disorganized the door would be.

First, we had our typical door people with Bluetooth headsets whispering amongst themselves like troubled middle school girls, ignoring all the desperate partygoers around them. They seemed frantic. We had bouncers screaming for everyone “to clear the sidewalk,” but instead of just vocalizing their instructions, they physically pushed people too. Classy. Nothing however, beats the fact that at 12:20 P.M. all the doormen disappeared inside, never to be seen again. That’s right. We had an EMPTY boxed in red velvet square outside the club. I’ve never seen this before in my life. And it wasn’t just empty for five minutes while the frazzled doormen ran about inside or chugged tequila shots at the bar. It was empty for a solid twenty minutes until at 12:38 P.M. someone came out and announced that they were “closing the door for an hour, absolutely no one was getting in.”

Then the out front was empty again.

Really?

Shame on us for getting to a hyped club opening past 12:15 A.M. I knew we wouldn’t get in. But shame on Kiss & Fly for not establishing some entry pacing so that they didn’t have to shut down their door at 12:30 – an hour at which most going-outers are just arriving at their destination. Too packed and having to shut down the door at 1:30 A.M. makes sense on an opening night. At 12:30, I think it just shows serious disorganization.

On the sidewalk with me, a noteworthy promoter and his entourage who (like everyone) had been denied entry explained:

“They were begging me to work here, so I said I’d come by and check out how they were at the opening. Guess all my questions are answered.”

He and his friends piled back into their black jeep and wisely sped away from the madness. I used my time out front to interview the people who were leaving, many of whom were promoters or nightlife aficionados.

“How was it inside?” I asked one of my departing friends.

“Like this.” He proceeded to dry hump me. “It’s so crowded in there you can’t even move. I accidentally touched over five women in places you should never touch women. They would’ve smacked me but no one had enough room to raise an arm.”

Other reviews were:

“Lots and lots of bottle service. Tons of tables in little nooks with elevated areas.”

“I heard they decorated a ton, but it still feels like Aer.”

And…

“It’s the next Pink Elephant, but will probably die out in the spring. Its location will kill it. No one wants to go out in meatpacking.”

Of those who did make it inside earlier in the night, the doorman split up groups saying:

“Women only. Only the girls are getting in, thanks.”

I don’t like this. People go out with a group of friends and want to stay together. Any classy establishment should try to accommodate. Men have to pay. Fine. Men have to get bottle service. Okay. But men with girls are denied entry all together: Not cool. That’s a club just acting way too prima donna for my taste, although I’m sure they’ll start to lax up when they’ve recovered from their four night opening delirium.

I haven’t yet been inside – so I've made no official judgments yet. I was supposed to go Saturday, but a voice in my head warned me against it. Most people have been instructing me to avoid Kiss & Fly for the time being deeming it ‘too crazy.’

For the sake of the club’s reputation, let’s hope they hire more door people.

12/07/2007

Christmas Wishes and Non-Existent Karaoke

I call Christmas Stress-mus. And my Holiday wish it that would cause us angst every other year instead of every eleven months.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If Christmas came every other year it might help the season actually feel ‘authentic’ and ‘special.’ The idea of gift shopping might evoke emotions of love and charity instead of nauseating visions of shoppers sword fighting each other at Macy’s and even worse –
trying to find parking at the mall. I realize some people like the inevitable strain, travel, traffic, fake cheer, financial exploitation and family time that comes with Christmas, but I’d even vote for celebrating it every four years. Like the Olympics! Then I’d get really excited about it!

It’s my belief the hullabaloo that comes with the holidays is just too much for us frail human beings to handle every single year. I think medical authorities would back me up on this. Don’t we deserve a break? If Christmas came less often, heart attacks and other stress related illnesses might go down over twenty percent! Who needs Christmas every year?

My life’s frankly quite fulfilling without spending hours locked in my family’s basement like an Indonesian child laborer wrapping a stack of presents higher than the fire’s mantelpiece. My life’s fulfilling without pretending to enjoy decorating a perfectly good fur tree that belongs in a forest with chirping birds and sun. Ultimately, it’s the shopping and commercialization of Christmas that gets to me – not any of the Holiday’s underlying values. And then we get to the worst part of all…Pink Elephant’s attempt at December decoration:




Is this really necessary?

Even a miserly, non-charitable establishment like Pink Elephant had to get on the Holiday bandwagon?

Is there no sanctuary?

Karaoke

On Wednesday, I hustled myself into the cold, intent on reporting what was to be the SoHo club’s Upstairs’ first Karaoke night. Sound like a carbon copy of Giuseppe’s ingenious idea to turn Sunday nights into a festival of alcoholism and embarrassment at Cipriani’s Upstairs?

It is.

Those you who’ve watched my video footage / soundtrack of Cipriani’s on karaoke night can understand why I kept my iPod buds handy while climbing the staircase to Upstairs – karaoke in New York clubs is like audible shit. If you’re eardrums aren’t completely desensitized from drunkenness hearing it may make you shriek. Yet as I entered the club, I saw a DJ, heard normal music, and saw no one slobbering over a mike. The karaoke screen hung at the very far end of the bar, stark white and barely visible.

Apparently, Upstairs had experienced “technical difficulties.” Karaoke was nixed and it was a night like any other. I let out an audible gasp of relief.

Sure I’d been lured out of my house on a Wednesday night under false pretenses. But Cipriani’s is bad enough. The last thing this city needs if for the clubbing karaoke idea to spread like Christmas decorations.

Oh! And are you short on Christmas gift ideas? How about getting your favorite douche or douchette this delightful Pink Elephant snow cap?

12/05/2007

New Years Advice & SoHo Nuisances

Spending New Years in New York? Want to party?

(Which I don’t suggest.)

This comprehensive website outlines every single New York club / bar hosting overpriced New Years festivities and allows you to purchase tickets (all in the $100 and up range) for entry, an open bar, and the privilege of being allowed to watch the ball drop in their establishment.

Frightening: This website also has a New Years countdown clock. Like right now it’s 26 days, 12 hours, 44 minutes and 30 seconds till January 1.

Grrraaar! Who cares!?!!?!?!?

Now while $120 may seem reasonable for a 4-hour open bar, don’t be fooled. These people are selling tickets to capacity. Even if you make it into the club without being trampled, your chances of body surfing toward the bar and then actually succeeding in getting a bar tender’s attention are about as likely as Pink Elephant miraculously going bankrupt. It ain’t going to happen. You’re essentially paying to rub up against people…and if that’s your thing, go for it.

In selecting a New York New Years locale, I also highly suggest choosing something within walking distance of where you plan on passing out that night. It’s more likely you’ll stumble across a leprechaun with a pot of gold than a free taxi. And even if you see a free cab, you’ll most likely have to club your fellow Manhatteners to get it. So put a crowbar in your purse.

Now that we’ve covered that horrific topic, onto more bad news…

MANGO one of my favorite European semi-affordable designers has taken up residence on Broadway near Prince Street in SoHo. Now I know what you’re all thinking:

“Model Behavior, shouldn’t you be happy one of your favorite clothing stores is now available walking distance from where you live?”

Me: “NO!”

Perhaps 60% of the chicer part of my wardrobe is Mango, and until now it looked incredibly coveted and unique.

“Amazing top,” some girl would say, “Where can I get it?”

“You can’t,” I’d reply. “It’s Ming by Mango. Only in Europe.”

She’d be crestfallen and I’d get style points, which I need. Despite a background in the world of fashion I have very little natural fashion sense. Am I a bit evil? Perhaps. But Mango was my special thing, and now that they have a Zara-like department store on Broadway.

Nothing’s sacred.

In addition, word’s out that Penelope Cruz is designing for them. I saw her on a Mango billboard and was like, “Yikes, she’s getting old. Good thing she’s pulling in these last minute endorsement deals.”

Now I find out she’s also designing the clothes! Shouldn’t that be left to the professionals? Why aren’t actor-models ever content just being actor-models? Why do they always have to sing, make a fragrance or start a handbag line?

I worry, because the last time I saw Penelope Cruz in Union Square she looked like she’d gotten dressed in a dumpster. And I don’t really buy the whole “woe is me the superstar, I’m trying to blend in excuse,” because she’d have had more success blending in wearing jeans and a sweater rather than the black, wool, seemingly lice-infested mui mui she’d awkwardly wrapped around her frail body: an outfit so horrific I noticed it before I noticed her.

This is the person who’s now designing for my once-favorite, once-Euro, now Americanized clothing store. None of that’s going to be on my Christmas list.

I previously mentioned, I’m not a fashion expert. I just have the good sense to blatantly copy whatever my fashion savvy roommate Tatas is wearing – the dress story being a prime example. So having renounced any claim at expertise, I’ve just gotta say: Would any woman in her right mind wear this?

And it’s been in a SoHo boutique’s front display for WEEKS. I learned at Pink’s space party that silver, pleather-like fabric is unflattering no matter how thin you are. The dresses’ unusual collar / necklace looks like part of an android suit. Can they just ship this thing off to a Star Wars convention already so I don’t have to scrunch my face up at it bi-daily as part of my morning and evening walk?

12/04/2007

True Love


Boyfriend, lover, pet or best friend letting you down?

Not to worry, as all these emotional relationships can be successfully replaced by the shiny delightfulness that is an Apple iPhone.

I used to make fun of people who had iPhone’s for sport. Especially when they first came out and people paid $600 plus to be among the first elite owners of Steve Jobs’ latest technological love child. I taunted these folk…whether out of hate or envy, I don’t know.

As a Mac user, my interest eventually rose to a level beyond torment. I proceeded to play with the iPhone when out with friends who owned one, usually at dinner parties, and usually inebriated. My manicure would prevent me from properly tapping on the virgin-level sensitive keyboard and I’d end up spelling things like:
Odsyagh iz szdgh

And I’d think: $600 plus for this? Morons!

Well, I’m prepared to fess up that last week I became the ashamed owner of an iPhone. My demise was that I got my hands on one sober, on a bus trip in New Jersey no less (don’t ask) and managed to reply to several emails and comment on three blogs during the trip with minimal typing difficulty. Somewhere between New Orange and Newark, I fell in love.

Passionately.

I’m the type of person who visits a $100 dress in a boutique three times before purchasing it. I’m the opposite of an impulsive shopper. In fact, I’m so cheap it sometimes scares people. Yet that very day, I found myself at the Cingular store on 23rd street pondering what credit card to put my $200 less than its release price, but still unaffordable, iPhone on.

My mental justifications: (Feel free to use them on yourself)

1. I own a three-year-old iPod mini that needs to be replaced soon anyway

2. I’m a Mac user

3. Yes, the next generation will be better, but that excuse goes on to infinity…technology just changes too fast

4. I can do more blog reading / commenting, especially in those awkward twenty minutes when I’m stuck in a car or alone at a table being stood up on a dinner date

5. I can answer all my email while on-the-go. So when I return to my desk and need to start writing, I don’t have to lose an hour of creative time answering emails from my dad and deleting spams about penis enlargement

Point number five turned out to be the kicker.

I’m a master at manipulating myself.

But this justification actually worked in real life:

EXAMPLE:

When I was at Pink’s Wilhelmina party and bored before the man-meat arrived, I sat on a banquet and answered FIVE work emails.

Productivity IN Pink Eleplant!?!?!?!?

I thought the ether might split and angels glide down onto the disco ball to honor me.

Who knew you could get work done at Pink?


After usuing the iPhone for two days, there were some features lacking I wished it had.

Well guess what?

I actually watched the informational instruction video Apple emailed me, and all those features existed, I just hadn’t yet learned how to use them! Like the iPhone headphones have a built-in mike, so if you’re listening to your iPod and someone calls you, your music fades (fades, not drops) out and you take the call without having to pick up the phone or take your ear buds out. And you can play, pause, and switch between songs by just squeezing the ear phone’s white string in different beats. The predictive text is amazing, and capitalizes everything I need.

My iPhone’s so smart it tickles me. And when it automatically zooms in when I'm filling out online forms or plays my favorite song, I realize it understands me better than any human in the world.

True love doesn't equal flawlessness. Yes, the Internet is sometimes slower than ideal, but that’s to be expected: It’s not 2015 yet. And yes the battery isn’t as strong as it should be, but this is Apple: all their batteries suck. What do you expect?

So my initial review: Four Model Behavior stars.

11/26/2007

The Best Clubs in Every City in the World


Yes, the title says it all. I figured since many of us may be traveling for the upcoming winter holidays, it was time to unveil my dirty secret project: A comprehensive list of all the best nightclubs in every city in the world, expertly compiled by the jetsetters who frequent them.

Some things to keep in mind:

1. The definition of ‘best.’ For the purposes of this list ‘best clubs’ are defined (but not limited to) clubs that
a. Radiate with obnoxious exclusivity
b. Are most likely challenging to get into without ‘connections’ (* indicates members only clubs)
c. Are non-sensically expensive
d. Are home to celebrity sightings and
e. Host famous DJs

So if you’re looking for a low-key, hassle free bar to enjoy a beer near cost price, this list is not for you.

2. What’s ‘hot’ changes in every city every month (or every week, in the case of New York). This guide, while ‘in’ right now, will eventually be outdated. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt.

WARNING: You might have ridiculous amounts of fun. You might get ripped off. Remember, clubbing is addictive.

So here we go…buckle up and put your party shoes on:

Aix-en-Provence
- Le Mistral

Amsterdam
- Jimmy Woo
- Club 11
- Rain
- Zebra Lounge
- Mansion

Antibes
- Pulp
- Les Pecheurs

Antwerp
- Noxx
- Nanno
- Industria
- Fever
- Carré
- Café d'Anvers
- Red and Blue

Athens
- Villa Mercedes
- Rock n' Roll (winter)
- Island (summer)

Bangkok
- The Bed Supper Club
- The Tunnel
- Spasso

Barcelona
- La Terrasa
- Sutton
- Danzatoria
- Catwalk
- Duvet
- Buddha Bar
- Razzmatazz
- Shoko
- Carpe Diem Lounge (CDLC)

Basel
- Bar Rouge

Beijing
- Suzie Wong
- Bed Bar
- Lan Club

Beirut
- Sky Bar
- Crystal
- White
- Element
- BO18

Belgrade
- Magacin

Berlin
- Felix
- Spindler & Klatt

Bilbao
- Image
- Fever

Bodrum
- Ship Ahoi
- Bianca
- Halikarnas

Bogota (Columbia)
- Andres Carne de Res
- Cha Cha

Bologna (Italy)
- Matis
- Kasamatta
- NU Lounge
- Capannina

Bombay
- China House
- Prive
- Posion

Boston
- Rumor-Venue
- 28 Degrees

Brussels
- Le you
- Jeux d'Hiver
- La Patinoire
- Parc Savoy
- Espace 53
- Gallery Louise

Buenos Aires
- Espereanto
- Pacha
- CroBar
- Asia de Cuba
- Creamfields
- Operabay


Bucharest (Romania)
- Embryo
- Fratelli
- Krystal

Budapest
- Club 7
- Negro,
- Oscar´s
- Piaf
- Bed
- Dokk Club
- Studio
- Moulin Rouge
- Romkert
- Cafe del Rio
- Sensation

Cannes
- Le palais
- Le Baoli

Cape Town
- Chrome

Caracas
- Loft

Casablanca
- G Sound

Cairo
- Club 35
- Buddha Bar

Chicago
- Manor

Cologne
- Ivory

Copenhagen
- NASA
- No8
- Slik

Corsica
- Via Notte

Cuzco (Peru)
- Fallen Angels
- Mama Africa

Delhi
- MoS

Damascus (Syria)
- Z Bar
- Marmar

Dubai
- Club 400
- Trilogy
- Shocho
- Chi at The Loudge
- Peppermint

Düsseldorf
- POSH (at Breidenbacher Hof)
- Sams
- 3001
- Nero

Florence
- Central Park

Fortaleza
- Pirata

Frankfurt
- King Kamehameha
- Cocoon

Geneva
- la SIP
- Le Java
- Platinum
- B Club
- Bypass

Gstaad
- GreenGo
- Chloesterli

Hamburg
- Golden Cut

Hammamet
- Calypso
- Oasis

Hamptons
- Pink Elephant

Hasselt
- Versuz

Heidelberg
- Print Media Lounge
- Deep
- Tangente

Hong Kong
- Volar
- Dragon I
- Drop

Ibiza
- Pacha
- SPACE
- Amnesia

Ilha Bela (Brazil)
- DPNY

Istanbul
- Ulus29
- Anjelique
- Reina
- Supper Club
- Blackk
- Wanna

Kitzbühl
- Take Five

Lanzarote
- Room

La Paz (Bolivia)
- La Gitana
- El Mongo's

Las Vegas
- Tryst
- Tao
- Pure

Lausanne
- Red Club
- Zapoff
- D!
- Le Mad

Lisbon
- Lux
- Kapital
- Jezebel
- Garage
- Tamariz
- BBC

London
- Maddox
- Movida
- Crystal
- Tramp*
- Annabels*
- Bougie
- Cuckoo
- Amika
- Boujis

Los Angeles
- Les Duex
- Area
- Winstons
- Opera
- Hyde
- Teddy’s
- Giant

Luxembourg
- VIP Room
- Le Marx

Lyon
- Aperiklub
- aKGB
- Baroc
- First
- VIP Room

Madrid
- Pacha Cielo
- Archy’s
- Gabanna
- Liberata
- Fabrik
- Buddha del Mar
- Fortuny
- El Perro de la Parte de Atras del Coche

Mallorca
- Kinka

Marbella
- Olivia Valere
- Billionaire
- Dreamers
- Nikki Beach

Marrakesh
- El Amounia
- Plage Rouge
- Pacha
- Nikki Beach

Miami
- Mynt
- Mokai
- Suite
- Fifth
- Mansion
- Karu Y

Milan
- Armani Privè
- Just Cavalli
- Killer
- Plastic
- Gold
- Nephenta

Milano Marittima
- Pineta

Monte Carlo
- JimmyZ
- Caremont

Montreal
- Time Supper Club

Moscow
- Diagilev

Munich
- Baby
- 8 Season´s
- Nigthclub of Bayerischer Hof
- Erste Liga

Mykonos
- El Pecado
- Space
- Cavo Paradise

Naples
- La Mela

New York
- Cain (party coverage)
- Le Seuk
- Gold Bar (my review)
- Pink Elephant (stories 1, 2, 3)
- The Box (my review)
- Cipriani (my review...video footage)

Oslo
-Cosmo
-Barbeint
-Golden room

Paris
- Show Case
- Neo
- Le Sens
- Le Neo
- Kong
- Palais M
- Maison Blanche
- Le Baron
- Mix
- Le Mathis
- Le Cabaret
- Le Queen
- Chez Regines

Porto Cervo (Sardinia)
- Billionaire
- Sotto Vento

Prague
- Radost Fx
- Mecca Club
- Duplex

Punta Del Este
- Tequila

Rabat (Morocco)
- Tapis Rouge

Riccione (Italy)
- Byblos

Rimini
- Paradiso

Rino
- NoMI Lounge

Rio de Janeiro
- Baronetti
- Nuuth Lounge
- 00 (zero, zero)
- Melt
-Londra

Rome
- La Maison
- Art Café
- R'home
- Ristrò
- La Suite
- La Maison
- La Cabala
- Espazio 900

Rotterdam
- Offcorso
- Vie
- Cinema

Sao Paulo
- Cafe de La Musique
- Lotus
- Pacha
- Disco Club
- Museum
- Royal
- Alucci Alucci
- Di Bistro Lounge
- Love Story

Singapore
- Attica
- Velvet

Shanghai
- Barbarossa
- Attica
- Bar Rouge
- M on the Bund
- 3 on the Bund
- Mao
- Glamour

St Moritz
- Dracula
- King's
- Privé

Stockholm
- Cafe Opera
- V
- White Room
- Spy Bar
- Sturecompagniet
- F12
- Solidarietet

St. Tropez
- Les Caves de Roi
- Le VIP

Taipei
- Carnegie’s

Tallin
- Bonbon

Toronto
- The Drake Hotel
- The Social

Vicenza
- Victory

Vienna
- Die Passage
- Red Room
- Take Five
- Phoenix Supper Club

Warsaw
- Foksal 19
- Cinnamon
- Opera
- Utopia

Washington, DC
- 18th Street Lounge
- Lima
- K Street Lounge

Zurich
- Q Club
- Supermarket
- Kaufleuten Diagonal
- Carlton Bar
- St. Germain
- Indochine

Disagree? Don't see your city up there? Feel free to add your two cents and add on!