Duck Shoes & Google Ad Sense Calls Me a Sex Offender

Why?

I photographed these shoes in an elevator. At first I just thought, ‘wow heinous footwear,’ then I noticed there’s actually a separate section for your toe! Again, why? So you can look like a duck? Not only does this hurt people’s eyes, there’s NO WAY it can be comfortable. Where do you even find shoes like this? Adding to the enigma, up top, the women modeling this fashion accident was actually young and stylish.

!?!?!?!!?!?

On a separate note, do you ever wonder what your Google Ad Sense says about you? Like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda’s TiVo goes haywire and starts recording programs it thinks she’ll like, and it’s quite telling about her weirdo personality. Google Ad Sense is a reflection of your writing and therefore a reflection on you.

For a long time, I had an Ambien ad up there, which I found thoroughly appropriate because I love Ambien and of course would encourage people to irresponsibly sleep their life / problems away (hey, better than coming out to the club and picking fights). I also had a spa ad up there for a long time. Also cool, I like grooming and hygiene just as much as the next New York women. I also get ‘It’s Just Lunch’ ads, which is appropriate because I’ll probably have resorted to their dating service by ‘09. When I wrote about Brazil, I got ads about Brazilian mail order brides (figures). Most disturbing now however, is that after writing a dating/relationship post I considered wild and romantic, I got ads about sex offenders, violence and ‘protecting our children.’

What kind of reflection is that on my relationships?

Picketing, Shoes, and Japanese Babies

Today I picked in a hail storm outside of Viacom (or ViaCON as our posters said) with fellow writers, including the head writers of Sesame Street, SNL and CSI. I’ll spare the photos since we all look like shit. On the bright side, the WGA-East was extremely well prepared with ponchos, umbrellas, cute, fuzzy WGA wool caps and warm bagels. Regardless of these picketing aids, I only lasted an hour and a half. I have zero circulation. I have to blow dry my hands warm on a daily basis when returning home in the winter, even when I wear heavy gloves. Since I was clinging to a brown tube and slushing through the same Times Square mud puddles over and over again, all my extremities went into emergency frostbite mode. When my gloves were completely soaked through and I had to squeeze my index finger over a dozen times to elicit a pain response, I knew it was time to go home and blow dry the icicles out of my hair.

On a separate note, what did women do to the fashion designers of the world that made them create us shoes that look like this?



Do you wear this with a miniskirt? Jeans? Most importantly, what happens when you want to WASH the built in socks? The black version makes me throw up in my mouth slightly less, but this is still unacceptable. I sort of wanted to camp out at this store for ten hours just to see if anyone ever bought them. Then, clearly, I’d proceed to interview them about our country’s mental health clinics and ask if they’d like me to point them to the nearest one.

Alas, I returned home to my trusty blow dryer. Now I need to get back to my rainy day pressing issues (curling under my blankets in the fetal position, occasionally looking at my phone – but never touching it) so I leave you with the only thing that’s made me laugh this entire sleet filled day.

Stay warm.

New Years Advice & SoHo Nuisances

Spending New Years in New York? Want to party?

(Which I don’t suggest.)

This comprehensive website outlines every single New York club / bar hosting overpriced New Years festivities and allows you to purchase tickets (all in the $100 and up range) for entry, an open bar, and the privilege of being allowed to watch the ball drop in their establishment.

Frightening: This website also has a New Years countdown clock. Like right now it’s 26 days, 12 hours, 44 minutes and 30 seconds till January 1.

Grrraaar! Who cares!?!!?!?!?

Now while $120 may seem reasonable for a 4-hour open bar, don’t be fooled. These people are selling tickets to capacity. Even if you make it into the club without being trampled, your chances of body surfing toward the bar and then actually succeeding in getting a bar tender’s attention are about as likely as Pink Elephant miraculously going bankrupt. It ain’t going to happen. You’re essentially paying to rub up against people…and if that’s your thing, go for it.

In selecting a New York New Years locale, I also highly suggest choosing something within walking distance of where you plan on passing out that night. It’s more likely you’ll stumble across a leprechaun with a pot of gold than a free taxi. And even if you see a free cab, you’ll most likely have to club your fellow Manhatteners to get it. So put a crowbar in your purse.

Now that we’ve covered that horrific topic, onto more bad news…

MANGO one of my favorite European semi-affordable designers has taken up residence on Broadway near Prince Street in SoHo. Now I know what you’re all thinking:

“Model Behavior, shouldn’t you be happy one of your favorite clothing stores is now available walking distance from where you live?”

Me: “NO!”

Perhaps 60% of the chicer part of my wardrobe is Mango, and until now it looked incredibly coveted and unique.

“Amazing top,” some girl would say, “Where can I get it?”

“You can’t,” I’d reply. “It’s Ming by Mango. Only in Europe.”

She’d be crestfallen and I’d get style points, which I need. Despite a background in the world of fashion I have very little natural fashion sense. Am I a bit evil? Perhaps. But Mango was my special thing, and now that they have a Zara-like department store on Broadway.

Nothing’s sacred.

In addition, word’s out that Penelope Cruz is designing for them. I saw her on a Mango billboard and was like, “Yikes, she’s getting old. Good thing she’s pulling in these last minute endorsement deals.”

Now I find out she’s also designing the clothes! Shouldn’t that be left to the professionals? Why aren’t actor-models ever content just being actor-models? Why do they always have to sing, make a fragrance or start a handbag line?

I worry, because the last time I saw Penelope Cruz in Union Square she looked like she’d gotten dressed in a dumpster. And I don’t really buy the whole “woe is me the superstar, I’m trying to blend in excuse,” because she’d have had more success blending in wearing jeans and a sweater rather than the black, wool, seemingly lice-infested mui mui she’d awkwardly wrapped around her frail body: an outfit so horrific I noticed it before I noticed her.

This is the person who’s now designing for my once-favorite, once-Euro, now Americanized clothing store. None of that’s going to be on my Christmas list.

I previously mentioned, I’m not a fashion expert. I just have the good sense to blatantly copy whatever my fashion savvy roommate Tatas is wearing – the dress story being a prime example. So having renounced any claim at expertise, I’ve just gotta say: Would any woman in her right mind wear this?

And it’s been in a SoHo boutique’s front display for WEEKS. I learned at Pink’s space party that silver, pleather-like fabric is unflattering no matter how thin you are. The dresses’ unusual collar / necklace looks like part of an android suit. Can they just ship this thing off to a Star Wars convention already so I don’t have to scrunch my face up at it bi-daily as part of my morning and evening walk?